the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them my only option

Category: inspirational

the twinkle of possibility

For those who don’t know, I have been pet sitting for almost a year and a half.  The point of this whole pet sitting gig was to save money for my wanderlust dream.  Okay, wait.  Did I say dream?  It’s not only a dream.  It, in fact, is vital to my soul and is the difference between life and death.  I don’t just dream it; I need it.

The problem with pet sitting, though, is that I frequently move from house to house, so I am continually packing my shit in and out of my car.  It’s exhausting.  Also, my introvert-self is increasingly becoming overwhelmed by all of the text messages, emails and phone calls, and all I want to do is creep into a cabbage patch and hide until everyone goes away or leaves me alone – behaviour so not conducive to this type of living.  And also slightly problematic because I don’t know anyone who grows that much cabbage.

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un-shaggable but hopeful

So, 2017 was a mixed bag for me.  Appropriately, I spent the last month of it hiding away in the shadows.  My situation was dire.  I mean, when I cried ordering a coffee from my barista at 5 am for the third day in a row, I acknowledged that there was considerable room for improvement in ‘dealing’ and that a ban was forthcoming if I didn’t stop making coffee super weird.  Yeah, I have been a bit of an undisciplined dumpster fire of emotions lately.  And the lit celebration this holiday season only seemed to amplify the palpable ache in my heart – one unyielding even to the strongest of wills – and it sunk me to familiar depths and rendered me defenseless to unrelenting despair.

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a storm so perfect

I am a dreamer – an incurable one.

I have never felt like I belong, or that I am where I am meant to be.  Never.  When I was a kid, I often sat contemplating, dreaming and imagining what existed beyond the desolate fields of the prairie town in which I lived.  Beyond captured my imagination and grabbed hold of my soul, and as though it knew what I needed, it was always whispering, calling.  In stillness and chaos, I could hear it.  Silently I carried those whispers like fuel and found solace in the step I knew I would one day take.  Even then, I understood that I was destined to harbour an ache and long for the unknown, but for reasons, I couldn’t quite understand.  I just knew that Beyond offered something necessary and that listening was vital to my well-being – it was what would save me.

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new york state of mind

So, I am sitting in a coffee shop in Greenwich Village, New York, and I don’t know for sure what I want to write, so I am just going to start spewing out some words and hope that, in the end, they make sense.  If they don’t, well, I am sitting in a coffee shop in New York City, writing, and I consider that in itself enough.

Unquestionably, this city takes up the vast majority of my heart, for reasons even I don’t understand – so don’t bother asking me why I love it so much,  I just do.  Pretty sure, though, that I was born with NYC blood pumping through my veins.  I am adopted, so it is completely reasonable to think that my birth mother shagged some guy named Bobby from FDNY Ladder 69 – nobody really knows the story of my conception, so who’s to say it’s not true.

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what the hell is going on?

Last Thursday, I woke up in a notable funk. As soon as I opened my eyes and took my first conscious breath, it was evident it was going to be ‘one of those days.’  There was no explanation for feeling the way I did, so I just rolled with it, thinking that the next day would be a better one.  Well, Friday morning brought more of the same, and it was the beginning of my slide to hell in a handbasket. (Does it sound more dramatic if I went in an actual basket?)  The person looking back at me in the mirror flipped me the bird, and I was like, ‘WHAT ARE YOU GETTING PISSY WITH ME FOR?’  There was no way for me to shake it, so I accepted my fate and the fact that I was going to have to feel things I really didn’t want to.

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the right side of possible

For those who don’t know – you’re welcome.

One day last week, my friend sent me a text to see how I was doing. I sent her a text back telling her what was going on, and her response was super appropriate, and hilarious, ‘You must have been a giant asshole in a past life or something.’  My reply to her, ‘Was I ever!!’  I suspect that during one of those lives I was downright abhorred and had no friends whatsoever. Though I am currently dealing with the fallout of the choices I made lifetimes before this one, it comforts me to know that I am now only an accidental asshole (I ALWAYS SAY SORRY YOU GUYS) and am surrounded by totally kick-ass friends. Thank goodness that, in this life, I am doing something right.  I am not going to lie, though, it has been tough the past 14 days dealing with the consequences of the assholery that was practiced a lifetime or two before me.

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pour me another

When I woke up yesterday morning and raised my body to get out of bed, my first thought was ‘FUCK. THIS.’  It was not a Folgers-in-your-cup kind of morning. Instead, it was one that elicited tears and made me wonder how much better I would feel if I were dead.

Not only is my uterus trying to destroy me, but I have a pain in my back that is so extreme simply existing is taxing.  When I met my Chiropractor for an assessment of my back, he asked me, with a hint of gleeful anticipation, ‘What makes your back feel better?’ and my deadpan response was, ‘Not breathing.’  The x-rays he took confirmed the no breathing thing, and his assessment was that I was totally not messing around.  I needed help.  My back is in bad shape, and since ‘not breathing’ is not an option, he devised a plan of attack intent on relieving me of the horror plaguing me on a daily basis.

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beautifully broken

On the morning of August 28th, 2014, at 9:45 in the morning I was sitting in a window seat on flight AC7738, and in the distance, perched atop the low-lying clouds, like a flawlessly crafted piece of art, sat the Manhattan skyline.  I couldn’t help but notice how small, and insignificant it looked from so far away.  But I already knew from my time previously spent there; it was anything but that.  And it was for that very reason I was on that plane, that morning, anxiously awaiting touchdown and my first breath of New York City air.  New York City is the love of my life, and as we approached – its vastness beginning to reveal itself – I sat hopeful, that somehow on the streets far below, she would be able to fix me.  I was in desperate need of healing, and it was her I chose to help me. So, when I exited the airport shuttle in front of my hotel, I closed my eyes, inhaled the Manhattan air into my lungs and surrendered my broken self to the city…my love.

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