Yesterday I began pet-sitting for some new people. It did not get off to a good start, and I am now of the belief that it is imperative I stay extra on top of my game while I am here because it seems like if I don’t pay attention for even one second, something is going to go catastrophically wrong. Like for example, the cat is so large that when she lays down, she looks like a bath mat. It makes sense that this would be the week she explodes.
The plan yesterday was that they would leave around noon and I would head to their place right after work. When I got up in the morning, looked outside and saw that we were ass deep in snow, my first thought was, ‘Oh damn; they aren’t going anywhere.’ I live on the west coast and when one snowflake hits the ground people completely shit themselves – chaos ensues, and any semblance of order is thrown right out the window as people scramble to buy loaves of bread and canned beans in preparation for the perceived end. The level of snow outside my window yesterday morning meant that nervous drivers and assholes who refuse to surrender to the conditions would be out in full force, making any trip in a vehicle an unwelcome thrill ride. So, at 8 am I sent a text to confirm my services were still needed. What I heard back was nothing. No response. Just, nothing.
By 12:30 I was beginning to wonder if my new people were ok. My heart leapt into my throat when I momentarily wondered if I was supposed to be there the day before. I envisioned starving animals, urine and feces encrusted floors and claw marks on the walls from them trying to save themselves – but a quick review of my text messages reassured me I had the right day. The relief I felt is indescribable. I almost soiled myself when it crossed my mind I had the wrong date. For real.
I sent another text, all casual, ‘Just me again. You guys get away ok?’ I felt I did well. The text was rational and showed no signs of the hysteria that had taken hold.
3:30 pm rolled around, and I began to accept the fate that awaited me. I decided that though I had not received a response, it was still my duty to go out as expected and check on the animals. But what I imagined awaited me was not just two cats and a dog, but dead bodies. Yes, they had been murdered.
I was deciding if it was best for me to call 911 from inside the house or outside the house, or if I should just drive away and call from a gas station. Then I began to wonder if it would get pinned on me. ‘Of course, it totally will,’ I thought. It’s the perfect scenario. Keith Morrison will tell my story on Dateline, and despite my innocence, people will want to burn me at the stake because every piece of evidence will point towards me. I lured them with my ad. OMG; I have already been in the house. My fingerprints ARE EVERYWHERE! What was my motive Keith will ask me, and I will be like, ‘Keith, I JUST WANTED TO SNUGGLE!!’ ‘He will narrate the next segment after a commercial break saying, ‘She just wanted to snuggle – or – did – she?’ I know the drill, so, as 4:00 pm approached yesterday, I knew I was fucked.
I walked to my car when my shift ended and just as I was about to drive off my phone buzzed. It was them! She apologized and said she forgot to turn on her phone. I think I alarmed her because I responded with, ‘I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE ALIVE!’ And that made her say sorry, again. Then I said sorry for making her say sorry and that I am the one who is sorry. ANYWAY. The point is, they were not dead, and I am not in prison. I did wonder if her phone was off, but my scenario made so much more sense. IT DID!
With a smile on my face, I drove to their house, excited that living furry things I would be able to snuggle with awaited me. My smile was wiped clear off my face the minute I made eye contact with the cat. Cat ears stick up, right? Well, hers were completely horizontal, so much so, her head looked like a square. As I walked past her, I swear I heard her whisper the words, ‘Die, human.’
Then I realized that I forgot all my shampoo’s and soaps. And I was already on day two of dry shampoo, so that shit wasn’t going to cut it in the morning. Anyone out there ever wash their hair with dish soap? Just wondering, because I just thought, like right now, how funny it would be if someone ever did that. Am I right?
I also forgot the main thing for the thing I was going to make for dinner. So I drove to the grocery store, already tired from a long stressful day of worry, to grab things for my thing. I ate dinner at 8:30 pm and practically had to hold my head up because I was so damn tired. I didn’t even like the thing I made.
My coffee and a smoothie are essential to begin each day for me. I remembered to bring my coffee, but I did have a bit of a temper tantrum when I realized I forgot all my berries and would be smoothie-less in the morning. FUUUUUUUUUDDDDGE!!! (not what I really said) First world problems…I know. But, I love my smoothie. It makes me happy and keeps me regular.
From 2 am to 3:30 am I was wide awake because I kept hearing clicking. Positive it was the cat plotting my demise. So, this morning when my alarm went off at 4:15 I felt physically ill.
Then as I was walking the dog at 6 o’clock this morning I basically did the splits on some ice. My legs have not been that far apart since 1989, in the front seat of my boyfriend’s Chevy. I limped home hobbling on my good knee.
Anyway, the transition didn’t go as well as it normally does. BUT, today when I came home early from work, the cat let me pet her, without threatening to destroy me. I consider that a win. I also got to work the afternoon from home, safe from danger, in my sweatpants and close to the heartbeats of three cute little animals.
Yesterday I was on my way to prison; today life is pretty fucking great.