the incurable dreamer

writing my way from misery bliss, one ridiculous story at a time

keith, i just wanted to snuggle

Yesterday I began pet-sitting for some new people. It did not get off to a good start, and I am now of the belief that it is imperative I stay extra on top of my game while I am here because it seems like if I don’t pay attention for even one second, something is going to go catastrophically wrong. Like for example, the cat is so large that when she lays down, she looks like a bath mat. It makes sense that this would be the week she explodes.

The plan yesterday was that they would leave around noon and I would head to their place right after work. When I got up in the morning, looked outside and saw that we were ass deep in snow, my first thought was, ‘Oh damn; they aren’t going anywhere.’ I live on the west coast and when one snowflake hits the ground people completely shit themselves – chaos ensues, and any semblance of order is thrown right out the window as people scramble to buy loaves of bread and canned beans in preparation for the perceived end. The level of snow outside my window yesterday morning meant that nervous drivers and assholes who refuse to surrender to the conditions would be out in full force, making any trip in a vehicle an unwelcome thrill ride. So, at 8 am I sent a text to confirm my services were still needed. What I heard back was nothing. No response. Just, nothing.

By 12:30 I was beginning to wonder if my new people were ok. My heart leapt into my throat when I momentarily wondered if I was supposed to be there the day before. I envisioned starving animals, urine and feces encrusted floors and claw marks on the walls from them trying to save themselves – but a quick review of my text messages reassured me I had the right day. The relief I felt is indescribable. I almost soiled myself when it crossed my mind I had the wrong date. For real.

I sent another text, all casual, ‘Just me again. You guys get away ok?’  I felt I did well. The text was rational and showed no signs of the hysteria that had taken hold.

3:30 pm rolled around, and I began to accept the fate that awaited me. I decided that though I had not received a response, it was still my duty to go out as expected and check on the animals. But what I imagined awaited me was not just two cats and a dog, but dead bodies. Yes, they had been murdered.

I was deciding if it was best for me to call 911 from inside the house or outside the house, or if I should just drive away and call from a gas station. Then I began to wonder if it would get pinned on me. ‘Of course, it totally will,’ I thought. It’s the perfect scenario. Keith Morrison will tell my story on Dateline, and despite my innocence, people will want to burn me at the stake because every piece of evidence will point towards me. I lured them with my ad. OMG; I have already been in the house. My fingerprints ARE EVERYWHERE!  What was my motive Keith will ask me, and I will be like, ‘Keith, I JUST WANTED TO SNUGGLE!!’ ‘He will narrate the next segment after a commercial break saying, ‘She just wanted to snuggle – or – did – she?’ I know the drill, so, as 4:00 pm approached yesterday, I knew I was fucked.

I walked to my car when my shift ended and just as I was about to drive off my phone buzzed. It was them! She apologized and said she forgot to turn on her phone. I think I alarmed her because I responded with, ‘I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE ALIVE!’ And that made her say sorry, again. Then I said sorry for making her say sorry and that I am the one who is sorry. ANYWAY. The point is, they were not dead, and I am not in prison. I did wonder if her phone was off, but my scenario made so much more sense. IT DID!

With a smile on my face, I drove to their house, excited that living furry things I would be able to snuggle with awaited me. My smile was wiped clear off my face the minute I made eye contact with the cat. Cat ears stick up, right? Well, hers were completely horizontal, so much so, her head looked like a square. As I walked past her, I swear I heard her whisper the words, ‘Die, human.’

Then I realized that I forgot all my shampoo’s and soaps. And I was already on day two of dry shampoo, so that shit wasn’t going to cut it in the morning. Anyone out there ever wash their hair with dish soap? Just wondering, because I just thought, like right now, how funny it would be if someone ever did that. Am I right?

I also forgot the main thing for the thing I was going to make for dinner. So I drove to the grocery store, already tired from a long stressful day of worry, to grab things for my thing. I ate dinner at 8:30 pm and practically had to hold my head up because I was so damn tired. I didn’t even like the thing I made.

My coffee and a smoothie are essential to begin each day for me. I remembered to bring my coffee, but I did have a bit of a temper tantrum when I realized I forgot all my berries and would be smoothie-less in the morning. FUUUUUUUUUDDDDGE!!! (not what I really said) First world problems…I know. But, I love my smoothie. It makes me happy and keeps me regular.

From 2 am to 3:30 am I was wide awake because I kept hearing clicking. Positive it was the cat plotting my demise. So, this morning when my alarm went off at 4:15 I felt physically ill.

Then as I was walking the dog at 6 o’clock this morning I basically did the splits on some ice. My legs have not been that far apart since 1989, in the front seat of my boyfriend’s Chevy. I limped home hobbling on my good knee. 

Anyway, the transition didn’t go as well as it normally does. BUT, today when I came home early from work, the cat let me pet her, without threatening to destroy me. I consider that a win. I also got to work the afternoon from home, safe from danger, in my sweatpants and close to the heartbeats of three cute little animals.

Yesterday I was on my way to prison; today life is pretty fucking great.

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15 Comments

  1. Rina

    Oh Tanya this was hilarious 😂

  2. Cathy Blahout

    Hahahahaha OMG I just died laughing!!!! You are awesome!!!! ❤️

  3. Abos

    Oh my god, I am dying. This is absolutely hilarious. I washed my hair with dish soap once. It took an eon to recover. It just strips it of all oil (of course). Don’t ever do it!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ha! Thank you so much for reading my post! I feel so much better knowing I am not alone with the dish soap! I WON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN! 😩

  4. First off… I’m a total asshat for missing your post. THEN, I get all whiney cause I feel like you haven’t put out in such a long time (in a strictly blogodocious way), ONLY to discover that it was some sort of WORDPRESS conspiracy to hide the notification of a new post from you. Because there is no way I would have overlooked a notification. Not possible. Universes would implode, and I’m way to selfless to allow that kind of thing to happen. (at this point, you’ll have to imagine our hero pushing his pair of pink sunglasses higher up on his nose as he throws the cape-like hood of his hoodie off his shoulder in a totally cool way. Maybe throw in the latest Rhianna song too for extra effect if I don’t seem heroic enough.)

    Anyway, your writing is truly hilarious Tanya! I completely understand the absolutely rational Lawson-esque fears about house-sitting turned massacre. I’m impressed you (mostly) survived.

    By the way that scene you allude to in 1989, disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Chevy? You can do so much better 😉

    • the incurable dreamer

      Gabe, your comment is a hilarious blog post in itself!! Hahaha. You created a fabulous visual and reading this was like watching a super hero movie! What’s the deal anyway – why is WordPress keeping me from you?? *insert angry face* I am so happy you found my post, and I will tell you why. Not only is your comment so kind and laugh your ass off funny, but it came to me at a time when I really needed it. I have been riddled with self-doubt lately and have wondered if what I am doing means anything. Your comment reminded me that I need to stay the course and keep believing in myself. Thank you for that! What a wonderful blog community this is. I am so happy our paths have crossed! You and your blog inspire the hell out of me. Your support, humour, and kindness is very much appreciated!

  5. Di

    Hi again Tanya🙋
    This is so entertaining and I think now I’ll get the idea that I’m going to get a chuckle out of your posts. Your musings on your day to day life here are hilarious and I also enjoyed your story about the Chevy👌
    As for you doubting yourself (I read your comments to Gabe)… well I think that’s normal that it happens from time to time. And just when we want to throw our arms up and say ‘I give up’ something tiny, like above, happens and we continue on our merry way. I’m glad you did… 🦋🦋💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      I have to say Di; weird just seems to happen to me! I am a magnet for the absurd, and it makes my life very entertaining! I am rarely bored. When I began blogging, I had no idea I would meet such special supportive people. Gabe came along, and I am so happy he did because he has kept my head above water when I felt I was just about to sink. Self-doubt is something I fight against all the time. You are another special person who has come along, and I couldn’t be more thankful. Thank you, thank you for the encouragement!
      Ps…I think I watch WAY too much Dateline! ha!

      • Di

        Hello Tanya!
        Yes, your life sounds like there isn’t a dull moment for sure. All the better to create awesome content…
        And as for Gabe and other supporting people, they are awesome and it’s very encouraging to have a loyal friend or two or more if we are fortunate. Do you find some will come and go but there are others who will keep on showing up for you? As a sensitive person, I think sometimes I shouldn’t really blog because for all the beautiful comments there is always that nagging thought to the ones who haven’t reappeared. Is that just me? I feel like I can be open with you already!
        You shall have my loyalty, Tanya 🌈💕

        • the incurable dreamer

          Di, I understand your feelings completely and no, you are not alone. I think that your sensitivity is exactly why you should blog. Your posts are encouraging and offer inspiration, and also have the power to evoke change. Your heart shows in your posts. I also think it is a good way to overcome self-doubt and empower yourself with belief so strong you no longer worry about those who don’t show up, and simply focus on the ones who do. The ones by your side. You and your posts are amazing and so, with conviction, you should tell yourself only that! You don’t need anyone to confirm it for you. And this is what I tell myself every day also when the voice telling me I am not good enough gets too loud. You have my full support Di, and I will be a loyal follower of yours as well! So keep writing. I like reading! 😊

  6. Di

    Hello dear Tanya🌸
    Firstly, I just want to say a sincere thank you to you for all your beautiful comments, which all take your valuable time. I really am grateful to you for wanting to comfort, as well as for being someone I’m able to talk about these things with. I truly am grateful.
    Yes, you are right… I’ll focus on those who stand by me as long as my intentions are true, I’ve no need to second guess myself.
    We can boost and encourage each other along this journey called life and blogging when doubts creep in.
    Thank you so much also, for your loyalty… I’m blessed to find you 🌹💕

  7. You’re so funny. I love the sense of humor. I almost choked on my coffee about “My legs have not been that far apart since 1989, in the front seat of my boyfriend’s Chevy.” Ha ha ha ha. I’m glad everything worked out well. 😀

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! Thanks so much! Can’t tell you how glad I was that everything worked out as well! Thanks for reading and leaving such wonderful comments! 😊

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