A couple of nights ago, I had a plane crash dream. Not a big deal, I have been having plane crash dreams for years – which I suppose contributes to my need to shit a brick every damn time I board a plane. But what was unusual about this one was that I was actually inside the plane when it crashed. Now, typically what happens during this recurring hell dream is that I am standing somewhere watching a plane takeoff and immediately afterward it crashes. Like, it plummets to the ground right in front of me and explodes. If I am lucky, right before it hits the ground, it turns into an inflatable whale, gently lands on the ground and old men with walkers all safely disembark by sliding down the emergency exit thingy (hmm, thinking 20th Century Fox needs to hear my pitch for Cocoon 3).
Another popular one is that I am in a plane that can’t seem to rise higher than 100 feet, and we fly right above the ground. Sometimes the plane doesn’t liftoff at all, so the pilot just drives the plane down a highway at a ridiculously high rate of speed (because that totally makes sense). Oh, and because I am super helpful in my dreams, I always scream at all the vehicles on the road below, ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!’ Suffice to say; this particular dream is my least traumatizing plane crash dream because it never involves a fiery demise for those onboard. I know what you are thinking, the plane doesn’t crash you, dummy. No, it doesn’t. You are correct. But would you be cool if you thought you were on your way to Amsterdam, but instead your pilot hightailed it down the 401 with you trapped in the back of the plane, most likely straining not to shit yourself? Didn’t think so.
Okay, so back to my dream the other night. Instead of flying barely above the ground, we were over the ocean. Everything was as it should be – I know this dream all too well – that is until the waves increased in size and started hitting the wings of the airplane. Calmly I said to the two other people onboard with me, ‘So, is anyone going to fly this thing just a little higher?’ This is where things took a turn – we began to ascend hundreds of feet. While frantically looking around, I said, ‘WHOA! What is happening? This dream isn’t supposed to work this way. Umm, I shouldn’t be inside!’ Of course, shortly afterward we began plummeting toward the waves below (because this is my goddamn dream), and I was thinking, ‘Wake the fuck up, Tanya. WAKE UP!’ We hit the ocean, I bounced off a wave and went under for a second, but almost immediately popped back up to the surface. There bobbing in the water, like that was totally supposed to happen, were the two other people who were onboard with me. ‘We are alive!’ I squealed. I was completely astounded and relieved we had survived. The other two just nonchalantly turned and began swimming for shore, so of course, I followed while hollering at them, ‘YOU GUYS. I am probably going to be really sore later!!’
Next thing I knew I was walking on a beach where hundreds of people had gathered to celebrate our survival. But nobody was paying any attention to me, and I was thinking, ‘Doesn’t anyone know how sore I am going to be?’
Then all of a sudden I was inside a building, standing at the rear of a hundred person lineup holding a sandwich. At the front of the line, a woman stood facing all of us, singled me out and yelled over the crowd that because of the type of sandwich I was holding I could skip the lineup and come to the very front. Feeling the heat from two hundred incensed eyeballs, I made my way to the front, screaming in my head the whole way, ‘BUT I DON’T EVEN WANT THE SANDWICH!’
Then I woke up.
My dreams are always vivid, and it’s rare when I don’t remember them in the morning. There are a few that have stuck with me due to the level of what-the-hell-was-that-about, but usually, I just carry on with my day and forget about them (I landed a helicopter on a moving train once – that was awesome). This dream, though, was bugging me. Never before have I been inside the plane when it went down. ‘What does it mean?’ I couldn’t stop wondering.
So I Googled it.
‘Pfff, as if!’ I was pissed. I couldn’t believe Google had dared to tell me that my goals were overly high and unrealistic. ‘YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME, GOOGLE!’
Defiantly I Googled something else.
‘Geezus, Google. You don’t have to be so sensitive about it. I was just asking a question!’
For a moment, though, I had hope. Maybe the person who wrote this article knew absolutely nothing, like about anything. Eagerly I clicked away and found alternative articles to read, and that is when my hope faded. They ALL said the same thing.
I was stunned.
Could it be that my goals are out of reach? Have I set myself up to come crashing down in epic fashion? Are my dreams trying to tell me something? I was totally bummed.
But then, I read it again.
Instead of focussing on the words overly high and unrealistic, I focussed on, lack of confidence, self-doubt, and self-defeating attitude. And like someone punched me in the face, I was completely shaken. It suddenly made sense why for so many years I have been tormented with horror at night while I slept. I am totally petrified I am going to fail and my dreams are not going to come true. I really am.
But then I began to think about how far I have come and where I am in my life right now, compared to even a few years ago. And I thought, ‘Fuck you, Google.’
Sure I look around and see my friends thriving, raising families and filling their pockets with roots for their future and have often wondered, ‘How come I can’t be like them? Why do I make things so difficult for myself?’ Well, because I am not like them and the path I am now on is where I was always meant to be. I found my way onto this path when my mind began filling with other words. I believe. I can. I will. On this path is where I discovered happiness. AND, is where I found out who the hell I am. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Undoubtedly, this will not be my last plane crash dream. I believe in myself, but self-doubt will always be lurking in a dark corner of my mind, waiting for its chance to pounce and take me down. But now I know how to fight, and am prepared to go to battle for myself.
No matter how scared I am, nothing is going to stop me from flying.
You get that, Google?