the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them is my only option

liftoff

A couple of nights ago, I had a plane crash dream.  Not a big deal, I have been having plane crash dreams for years – which I suppose contributes to my need to shit a brick every damn time I board a plane.  But what was unusual about this one was that I was actually inside the plane when it crashed.  Now, typically what happens during this recurring hell dream is that I am standing somewhere watching a plane takeoff and immediately afterward it crashes.  Like, it plummets to the ground right in front of me and explodes.  If I am lucky, right before it hits the ground, it turns into an inflatable whale, gently lands on the ground and old men with walkers all safely disembark by sliding down the emergency exit thingy (hmm, thinking 20th Century Fox needs to hear my pitch for Cocoon 3).

Another popular one is that I am in a plane that can’t seem to rise higher than 100 feet, and we fly right above the ground.  Sometimes the plane doesn’t liftoff at all, so the pilot just drives the plane down a highway at a ridiculously high rate of speed (because that totally makes sense).  Oh, and because I am super helpful in my dreams, I always scream at all the vehicles on the road below, ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!’  Suffice it to say; this particular dream is my least traumatizing plane crash dream because it never involves a fiery demise for those onboard.  I know what you are thinking, the plane doesn’t crash you, dummy.  No, it doesn’t. You are correct.  But would you be cool if you thought you were on your way to Amsterdam, but instead your pilot hightailed it down the 401 with you trapped in the back of the plane, most likely straining not to shit yourself?  Didn’t think so.

Okay, so back to my dream the other night.  Instead of flying barely above the ground, we were over the ocean.  Everything was as it should be – I know this dream all too well –  that is until the waves increased in size and started hitting the wings of the airplane.  Calmly I said to the two other people onboard with me, ‘So, is anyone going to fly this thing just a little higher?’ This is where things took a turn – we began to ascend hundreds of feet.  While frantically looking around, I said,  ‘WHOA! What is happening? This dream isn’t supposed to work this way. Umm, I shouldn’t be inside!’  Of course, shortly afterward we began plummeting toward the waves below (because this is my goddamn dream), and I was thinking, ‘Wake the fuck up, Tanya. WAKE UP!’  We hit the ocean, I bounced off a wave and went under for a second, but almost immediately popped back up to the surface.  There bobbing in the water, like that was totally supposed to happen, were the two other people who were onboard with me.  ‘We are alive!’ I squealed.  I was completely astounded and relieved we had survived.  The other two just nonchalantly turned and began swimming for shore, so of course, I followed while hollering at them, ‘YOU GUYS. I am probably going to be really sore later!!’

Next thing I knew I was walking on a beach where hundreds of people had gathered to celebrate our survival.  But nobody was paying any attention to me, and I was thinking, ‘Doesn’t anyone know how sore I am going to be?’

Then all of a sudden I was inside a building, standing at the rear of a hundred person lineup holding a sandwich.  At the front of the line, a woman stood facing all of us, singled me out and yelled over the crowd that because of the type of sandwich I was holding I could skip the lineup and come to the very front.  Feeling the heat from two hundred incensed eyeballs, I made my way to the front, screaming in my head the whole way, ‘BUT I DON’T EVEN WANT THE SANDWICH!’

Then I woke up.

My dreams are always vivid, and it’s rare when I don’t remember them in the morning.  There are a few that have stuck with me due to the level of what-the-hell-was-that-about, but usually, I just carry on with my day and forget about them (I landed a helicopter on a moving train once – that was awesome).  This dream, though, was bugging me.  Never before have I been inside the plane when it went down.  ‘What does it mean?’ I couldn’t stop wondering.

So I Googled it.

‘Pfff, as if!’  I was pissed.  I couldn’t believe Google had dared to tell me that my goals were overly high and unrealistic.  ‘YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME, GOOGLE!’

Defiantly I Googled something else.

‘Geezus, Google. You don’t have to be so sensitive about it. I was just asking a question!’

For a moment, though, I had hope.  Maybe the person who wrote this article knew absolutely nothing, like about anything.  Eagerly I clicked away and found alternative articles to read, and that is when my hope faded.  They ALL said the same thing.

I was stunned.

Could it be that my goals are out of reach?  Have I set myself up to come crashing down in epic fashion?  Are my dreams trying to tell me something?  I was totally bummed.

But then, I read it again.

Instead of focussing on the words overly high and unrealistic, I focussed on, lack of confidence, self-doubt, and self-defeating attitude.  And like someone punched me in the face, I was completely shaken.  It suddenly made sense why for so many years I have been tormented with horror at night while I slept.  I am totally petrified I am going to fail and my dreams are not going to come true.  I really am.

But then I began to think about how far I have come and where I am in my life right now, compared to even a few years ago.  And I thought, ‘Fuck you, Google.’

Sure I look around and see my friends thriving, raising families and filling their pockets with roots for their future and have often wondered,  ‘How come I can’t be like them? Why do I make things so difficult for myself?’  Well, because I am not like them and the path I am now on is where I was always meant to be.  I found my way onto this path when my mind began filling with other words.  I believe.  I can.  I will.  On this path is where I discovered happiness. AND, is where I found out who the hell I am.  I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Undoubtedly, this will not be my last plane crash dream.  I believe in myself, but self-doubt will always be lurking in a dark corner of my mind, waiting for its chance to pounce and take me down.  But now I know how to fight, and am prepared to go to battle for myself.

No matter how scared I am, nothing is going to stop me from flying.

You get that, Google?

Previous

beautifully broken

Next

oh for pete’s sake

45 Comments

  1. I barely ever remember my dreams. These days I don’t even sleep enough to dream.

  2. LOVE this! The title is perfect for the story and what is to come for you ( as is the meme at the end). Your vivid dreams, the humor, your “take away”, all tell me you will fly – no crashing.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much, Suzanne, for your comment and the encouragement!! I appreciate it so much!!

  3. I knew you’d get the right message! I, for one, am very happy that you did not tread the typical route of what one is “supposed to do” in life. In my opinion, avoiding that trap is precisely what keeps a person’s dreams alive. In my own case, whether or not I actually ever do the things I dream about, what’s most important is that I still dream and retain the freedom to pursue them should I so choose. Another superb piece, Tanya.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you, Paul! What I have realized is that I breathe misery when I try to conform and take the easy route. I have no choice but to take risks and reach for the stars because I know if I don’t, I will die inside. When I am a little old lady, and no matter what physical state I am in, I will still be dreaming and reaching. But hopefully, by then, I will be reaching deeper into bliss. That’s the plan.

  4. Becci

    Beautiful yet again! Taking the path (or plane in your case!) less walked is hard but it will be worth it and if anyone can do it, you can!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks, Becs! I am trying so hard because I know you are right, it is going to be so worth it when I get where I am going!

  5. Di

    Hello dear Tanya 🌹
    What a totally absorbing, heartfelt post. I hung on every word.
    I was shouting out in my mind..’ Google the dream…’!
    And then next up was your screenshot! I went straight to the last line too because they’re the parts that are grounding and cause us the most angst.
    Funny you mention dreams because I just wrote a draft for a post and I mentioned not forcing or struggling with them but to gently allow… and keep on being kind to yourself Tanya and those doubts you will just push through. Don’t be hard on yourself when they come. But trust that the next little sign in the form of encouragement will be just around the corner.
    Oh and I mentioned your Duck post to a friend and she read it and can’t wait to read your book. She just stated it in her email to me…
    Hugs and loving thoughts to you from me Tanya 💐💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      Wow Di, I can’t tell you how much this comment means to me. I am looking forward to reading the post you drafted and gaining some new perspective. You are so encouraging and inspiring, and everything you write provides so much of both of those things. Thank you for being a cheerleader to so many! And thank you so much for telling your friend about my post, it is such a compliment that you would tell somebody about something I wrote. When my book is complete, I will be hand delivering a copy of it to some people in Australia (their son profoundly changed my life), and I will make sure to deliver one to you and your friend as well. Because of people like you, I am inspired to keep working and to finish. Thank you, thank you! xo

      • Di

        Hello lovely Tanya!
        Thank you so much for your amazing reply and kind thoughts.
        We are very honoured that it gave you a little boost. It was my treat absolutely to share your Duck post. Actually, I just may figure out how to repost it on mine…
        Your offer of hand delivering the book to us means we will see you in person? And a signed copy? That’s a wonderful idea and one I will very much look forward to.

        I hope you will enjoy my take on dreams later in the week when I’m totally happy with it.
        Thank you for your lovely friendship and support Tanya.
        Yes, please keep working on your book and feel encouraged.
        You are very special…🦋💕💕

        • the incurable dreamer

          You better believe it, Di!! I would love to meet you in person and sit down and talk with you! I have not met you, but do consider you a friend. And if a signed copy is what you would like, then that is exactly what you will get! I am really looking forward to your new post…no rush! Ha! And it means so much that you enjoyed my duck post the way you did. That precious little being taught me so much and I think of her often. We should all aim to be like her, and face adversity with the grace she displayed. I am going to change the title of it just in case you do share it! You know. Ha! Please know this Di, it is people like you who inspire me and encourage me to keep pushing, and to keep writing. Never doubt the value of your words and what they mean. Yours have meant so much to me and this week I have a feeling many pages will be written because of the words you have shared with me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. xo

          • Di

            Oh Tanya! I just wrote the most wonderfully long response in the other window and I’ve lost it all….
            I can’t redo it all but the main message in summary was that I’m so humbled by your kind words and gestures. I really know the power of words because yours mean so much too, I said I thought about reposting your newly titled Duck post and I also said I wish for you to ‘write like the wind’ this week.
            Oh, also that I admire you for following your dreams and you feel inspired for a beautiful reason so trust the process..
            That’s a quick summary but there was a bit more love and flowery wording!
            I am very grateful and just know you are a special and gracious friend through seeing your comments and being on the receiving end too…
            Short and sweet I’m unable to write….but I hope you enjoy my new post this week. It’s a bit more creative and as the writer that you are, I’ll look forward to hearing what you think…
            Thank you again and have an awesome week dear Tanya 🌹🦋💕

          • the incurable dreamer

            Di, did you by chance attempt to write a comment in WordPress Reader from your phone and receive an error? I am getting reports of issues from others, so I want to nail down the problem. Back to your very humbling comment. Thank you! You are such a beautiful, and kind person, Di and I am so thankful that somehow our paths crossed in this gigantic blogosphere. I promise to write like the wind this week, with your encouragement and inch closer to my dream. You know I am a huge supporter and fan of yours and enjoy every word you write and am eagerly awaiting your new post! I am also here anytime you need me. To be able to call you friend is a blessing, and I too am very grateful. Have a fabulous week, Di!

  6. cathy blahout

    Your beautiful smile says you are on the right path! Keep the faith Tanya <3

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks, Cathy! So glad I have you alongside me on this crazy journey! xoxo

    • Di

      Hello again lovely Tanya!
      First to tech issues… yes, I do everything on my phone but I reply unsuccessfully from the notifications section and click on yours and write in that box that appears. (I did it again this morning… some of us take longer to remember!!!) So I hope that helps.
      And then to your kindest of words… thank you so much. I’m touched. But sometimes, as with you, I just have a feeling and a connection through the spirit of the words they say…I’m very thankful too…
      I hope you are having a great week and please also feel free to get in touch any time. That’s a lovely offer from you. My friend was touched by your generous offer about your book too. So thank you.
      I’ll post your ‘repost’ next week. I’m so looking forward to sharing you and your wonderful blog.
      Have a lovely week and best wishes to you, Tanya ✨💕

  7. The plane crashed, but you SURVIVED. Fuck Google and its dream interpretations…I think surviving an ocean crash in a plane and swimming to shore must mean SOMETHING. 😉

    • the incurable dreamer

      What the hell, Marca!! WordPress is keeping you from me! I apologize for the delay in responding to this most excellent comment, but I just found it in a weird spam folder!! Thank you for your assessment of google, it can totally go fuck itself! HAHA! Google needs to google why it is so stupid sometimes. Thanks so much, Marca!! xo

  8. And I’m back! What I said yesterday was that I used to be a therapist and I did a little studying on dream interpretation. You new, different airplane dream is a very good thing. It shows that you know you can survive the crashes and something good can come of it. When looking at your dreams, always remember that every aspect of the dream represents something about you. Try to draw parallels of the the feelings in your dream to situations in your life that produce the same feelings.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Phil, thank you SO much for taking the time to come back and write this. If I look at myself now and where I am in my life, what you said here makes perfect sense – and it makes me incredibly happy to think about it this way. I am stronger than I have ever been and despite the adversity, I am facing in my life right now, I am surviving, making something out of it and continuing to move forward. Thanks for the advice, I am going to keep your words in mind next time something wild happens in my dream. Thank you, again!!

  9. I still can’t comment from the app on my phone. I did this on my laptop. It’s probably a problem with my app.

  10. I know this is a serious post and I totally get the dream interpretation, but the only thing I could think about when reading this is when you were bobbing on the ocean, was there a volleyball named Wilson there with you? I’m weird, I know, I’ve been told.

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! You are my kind of weird and I like how your brain works! If Wilson would have been bobbing in the water, this dream would have been PERFECT!! Now I feel totally ripped off.

      • In a shameless plug of my own blog, I kinda wrote a post about Wilson once.

        http://www.justasmallcog.com/2016/08/04/like-castaway-only-with-less-beard-hair/

        • the incurable dreamer

          Shameless plugs are always welcome in my world! I am going to read your post right now while drinking my coffee! Thank you!! On a side note…I often think about your little JR when I see your name and I hope he/she is doing ok. 💕

          • He’s a grumpy little old man but still trucking along. He has good and bad days. Unfortunately one type outweighs the others.

          • the incurable dreamer

            Aww, I find so much relief in knowing he is still with you, but also feel the weight of what must be consuming your thoughts. He will let you know when he is ready. Until then, enjoy every precious moment. All the best to you guys.

  11. Thank you very much Tanya for remembering that and asking about him. 🙂

  12. Kevin

    Hey Tanya. A very eloquent and descriptive recollection of your dream. While the crashing, or near crashing, does elicit ominous feelings….I think the fact that you are on the plane this time can be interpreted in a positive manner. Before, you were a spectator (watching the plane/your dreams); whereas now you are on the plane. Perhaps this means that you are taking a more active role/pursuit in your quest to attain your goals. That’s a positive.

    Perhaps later you will dream that you are the pilot….and will be in full control. Just make sure it is not for a certain airline that has been in the news recently:)

    By the way, if I recall correctly, one reason that some people remember their dreams….while others do not, is because those who remember tend to awaken in the midst of the dream (as opposed to sleeping through the entire REM cycle).

    Sweet dreams!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Kevin, I think you nailed it. Everything is changing for me and it makes perfect sense that in my plane crash dreams, I am inching closer and closer to the cockpit. For the first time in my life I feel like I am in control and am heading in the direction I truly want to go. And the only person who is going to get me where it is I want to be, is me. So, I need to fly the plane! And no worries, the airlines in my dreams are always Canadian – so no one is going to get the shit beat out of them in my next dream. Just saying. I can’t thank you enough for reading my post and taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I appreciate it immensely! Thanks again, Kevin!

  13. I used to get plane crash dreams/nightmares, but haven’t had them for years (but I’ve not been on a plane in over a decade either). I also used to get nightmares where I would step into a lift and it would plummet… I got to the point where I could just about stop myself getting into the lift. Again, I’ve not had the dream in ages though.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Your dream sounds truly horrifying, so I am thrilled to hear you haven’t had it in a while. I don’t think my plane crash dreams will ever stop invading my sleep, but what helps is knowing that I am in control of my life, and I am no longer living in fear. I am just going for it! Thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it! And here’s hoping your ‘lift’ dream never visits you in your sleep again! 😊

  14. Hahahahaha google thinks it’s God. You’re a fantastic writer. I have horrible drug dreams, and I wake up thinking I used again. It’s the worst. Keep on flying babe. Stick it to google!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Oh man, you must feel so relieved when you wake up and realize you didn’t use again! Dreams are SO messed up. So often I wake up and wonder, wtf was that about?! Ha! Thanks so much for the compliment, Kristina, it really means a lot to me. And I am going to do my best to keep on flying. Google can totally suck it!

  15. Hooray! THAT’S told that Google guy! 🙂 🙂 I love your line about the pocketful of roots for the future. Good luck!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks so much, Jo. I really appreciate the encouragement! And yeah, I told Google right off! Ha! Hope you have a phenomenal week! 😊

  16. Blimey…this is too close for comfort!! I have so many airplane crash dreams and in most of them I’m inside the plane…pretty horrendous ones and the worst are when my family are with me and I’m trying to save my son. I thought it was just because I’m scared of flying…but you’re google answer struck a chord with me too. Self-doubt. Tick. As for the others too…you’ve given me food for thought here. Oh, I dream vividly nearly every night and recall many perfectly in full colour and stereo sound. For a while I wrote my dreams down in waking but reading back the book sort of freaked out a they were just too weird!! Lovely to come across your blog and I’m off exploring more!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Wow, Annika. I feel very fortunate that my plane crash dreams involve only myself and not my family as yours do. That is truly horrifying! I am so glad that I finally googled the meaning of the dream because it provided me a little piece of mind. I too felt I was just scared to fly, but it was about oh so much more than that – and it now makes perfect sense. Self-doubt is my nemesis, but I am determined to win the battle. We all are our worst enemies at times. I hope now that Google has shed some light for you, your self-doubt and plane crash dreams lessen. We are rock stars dammit, and you and I need to believe only that about ourselves! Thanks for reading my post and offering this wonderful comment, I very much appreciate it! I am going to check out your blog after work and already can’t wait! Have a great day, Annika.

  17. Yah! I totally agree… Fuck you Google! and Keep dreaming Tanya.

    • the incurable dreamer

      I most certainly will, Gabe!! Thank you!! 😊

  18. Wow. I love this post. First of all the dreams are amazing. So vivid and kind of hilarious. I’m in awe that you’re aware that you’re dreaming and can stay in the dream. That’s cool and rare. I have repeat dreams of drowning. I never make it to the surface and end up inhaling water and dying. Nice, huh? Anyway, back to your dreams. I love how you ended up analyzing it and the declaration of fearlessness in the end. Way to go!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Oh man, that sounds utterly horrifying! I am so sorry you have to experience that over and over again. I had a dream once that I was stabbed and could feel the warmth of my blood in my mouth as I began to fade, but luckily I woke up just before I died. Yuk. My dreams are very vivid like a movie every night, and I usually remember them all – the only thing missing is popcorn! I always try to extract the positive because there is something to be learned from everything. Good or bad. Thank you for your very kind and wonderful comment! I am so pleased you enjoyed my post and saw the humour in it. It means a lot!

      • After leaving the comment, I looked up the meaning of drowning dreams. Google thinks I’m struggling to survive as a person and feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. Thanks Google. Actually, I think I hold my breath occasionally at night – a form of sleep apnea. Happy Dreams to both of us!

        • the incurable dreamer

          Wow, Google really holds no punches. 🙄 I like your analysis a whole lot better, because you seem to be doing a stellar job succeeding at life! Sleep apnea though, yikes! Wishing you peaceful sleep and dreams!

okay, get it off your chest!

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: