the incurable dreamer

writing my way from misery to bliss, one word at a time

oh for pete’s sake

The phone call I have been waiting for, for months, finally came on Thursday.  The co-ordinator from my surgeon’s office called and told me that there was a cancellation, and my surgery has been scheduled for June 1st, instead of sometime in September.  ‘NO. WAY?!’  I practically screamed in her ear.  It was the best news I had received in a very long time, and it was impossible for me to contain my enthusiasm, so I didn’t even bother trying.  Finally, I could see a flicker of light at the end of the very dark hell tunnel I have been living in and felt lighter than I have felt in a very long time.

What surgery am I having, you ask?  Please allow me to take this opportunity to tell you.  My surgeon is going to remove my asshole of a uterus from my body, by pulling it out my vagina.

WHAT?  YOU ASKED!   Well, okay, you didn’t, but you were probably wondering.  Moving on.

An hour later I received an email from my surgeon with all the details.  Listed under the type of surgery I was scheduled to have, I saw Laparoscopic Hysterectomy, which is what I expected to see, AND a Bilateral Salpingectomy.  Huh?  ‘What. In the hell. IS THAT?’  I thought.  So, I googled it and what I discovered is that my ovaries are coming out as well!  I sent a message to my friend to tell her all the gory details, then proceeded to express my concern about the possibility I may grow a beard without my lady bits intact.  ‘Oh for Pete’s sake, of course, you won’t!!’ was her response.  Goddamn, I love her.  Her assertion made me laugh and instantly ended my fear of growing unwanted facial hair.  But then something weird and completely unexpected happened.  I felt sad.

It hit me like a ton of bricks that I will never have a child.  Look, I have never wanted kids, and am practically as old as dirt, but the point is, now I no longer have the option.  In one month, the possibility of a little extra piece of me existing in this world – will be gone.  And on Thursday afternoon, that thought made me feel mournful and left me wondering about what might have been.  It was strange because I began thinking about a little being, a little person who has never existed – but one who could have.  I was adopted, and though I love my family endlessly, I have always wondered what it would be like to see my reflection in someone else’s face.  Would a child of mine have looked like me and had the same characteristics?  Any child of mine I thought, would have been wonderfully weird and held my heart from the moment we met.  My decision to not have kids was a conscious one, but as I sat at my desk processing what was going to happen to my body and what it meant, I also felt regret.

But then, later that evening, at home with my friends, I was reminded why I.  SHOULD. NEVER.  HAVE.  KIDS.

After Dink (my bestie) had finished bathing Ben, I took him into his bedroom and got him ready for bed.  My instructions were simple.  Rub him with his coconut oil and get him dressed.  ‘Oh goodie, I get to pick out his onesie tonight!’ I thought.  I did those things, proudly passed him off to Dink’s wife for his bedtime and retired to my room, relishing in how helpful I had been.

Twenty minutes later Dink’s wife came down to my room.

Dink’s wife:  Tan.  Did you rub coconut oil on Ben before you put him in his pajamas?

Me: I sure did.

Me to myself:  You’re welcome!

Dink’s wife: Did you take it from the tall plastic container with a pump that is beside his change table?

Me: Yeah, why?

Me to myself: Oh shit. Danger approaching.

Dink’s wife: THAT IS HAND SANITIZER!

Me:

Me to myself: Bottle.  Coconut.  WHAT?  Where?  Huh?  It was?  Noooo.  I did WHAT?

Dink’s wife: Did you really rub it all over him?

Me: Umm, yes.

Dink’s wife: YOU HAND SANITIZED OUR BABY!

I am not kidding; she left a plume of smoke in her wake as she flew back up the stairs.  I sat there utterly confused, wondering what the fuck was going on and what exactly I had done. So, off I went to make sense of the events that were unfolding upstairs.  Ben was being stripped, and his bath prepped for the second time in less than an hour when I arrived.

Dink: Dude.  You rubbed hand sanitizer all over him.  What’s wrong with you?

That is a question her and I both know will forever remain unanswered, but in that particular moment, I struggled to find a logical explanation for my incredible lack of adequate adulting.

Me: I AM SORRY!  I THOUGHT IT WAS COCONUT OIL!

Dink’s wife: Tan, it’s okay.  But, babies have sensitive skin, and I need to wash it off, so he doesn’t react.  I could smell it when I was putting him down and was thinking, why the hell does he smell like hand sanitizer.  But seriously, you rubbed it everywhere?

She was looking at me with a gleam of hope, that the answer might be anything other than yes.

Me: Yes I did.  You know how thorough I am.

Dink: Couldn’t you smell it?

Me: Well YEAH.  It smells AMAZING and now so does he.

Dink:

Me: AND, he has NEVER been cleaner, you guys!

Dink:

Me to myself: I better start packing my bags in the morning.

Dink: Seriously.  What.  Is wrong with you?

I can’t even count how many times she has asked me that one question over the years.

Me: I don’t know.  I did wonder why it was absorbing so quickly, though.  So…

Dink’s wife: So let me get this straight.  At NO point while you were slathering him with sanitizer did you think, ‘Hey, this smells like hand sanitizer?  Like, at all?’

They both stood staring at me, waiting once again for the answer to come.  The way they were looking at me, sent a very clear message that no normal person would be in my shoes right now.  The concern I saw on their faces was alarming.  And I knew I was their concern.

Me: IT DIDN’T SMELL LIKE HAND SANITIZER.

Me to myself: Maybe you guys shouldn’t have bought hand sanitizer that is so fragrant and lush. IT’S NOT MY FAULT.

Dink’s wife pulled Ben out of his bath, wrapped him in a towel, and then we all stood looking at each other shaking our heads.  We couldn’t help but laugh at the stupidity of it all.  We also had a very detailed discussion about the difference between coconut oil and hand sanitizer. Noted.

These guys totally get me, and that is why when I make mistakes, they love me through it.  And they loved me through this.  I couldn’t help but feel disappointed, though, in my failure to detect the smell of alcohol while I rubbed it all over their child.  It didn’t smell anything like coconut oil – like, at all.  What is wrong with me?  The disappointment I felt in myself was palpable.

With my head down, I went back downstairs hoping the little guy was going to be ok.  It was my job to ensure his safety, and I had failed to do so.

Half an hour later a text came through on my phone.  And it made me feel better.

He was asleep, snug in his bed, completely unaware of the chaos that had earlier surrounded him.  And I was relieved.

My mistake has become a big joke in this house and is a story I have no doubt will be told, for many years to come.  And deservedly so.

Do I believe I would have been a bad mom?  Absolutely not.  And for the record, normally I can be trusted to take care of my niece and nephew, and have never inadvertently sanitized another human being before.  But this incident happening on this day was just the reminder I needed.  Having and raising kids was never in the cards for me.  My purpose is something different.  And though it won’t be bringing life into this world, I hope it will be just as profound.

No matter what I accomplish in my lifetime, these thoughts will always exist in the back of my mind, and from time to time I know I will think, ‘ What if?’

And though my destiny, my choice was never you, I will always wonder who you might have been.

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49 Comments

  1. Good luck with your surgery Gorgeous. Been there, done that, had the mood swings 😉 Will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes <3

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks very much, lovely! I appreciate your positive thoughts so much! I know it will be great and give me my life back! xo

  2. Good luck with the surgery, it’s pretty full on, I had the same 3 years ago, no regrets. Everyone is different and I hope you bounce back well and quickly. Congratulations on the no kids thing too. Good to know yourself and your own mind before it’s too late. Your story made me laugh and thank goodness all was well, no harm done.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Barbara. Thank you so much for your very sweet comment! I am hoping to bounce back quickly so I can start living the way I am used to once again! And thanks for the congratulations on the no kids thing! haha. I don’t know how parents do it. Honestly, it is the hardest job in the world, and I have the utmost respect for those who are doing it. Best I just stick to being an auntie I think! Have a great day! xo

  3. Bevvi

    Big things coming up tan! That surgery sounds scary as hell but so pleased it will leave you feeling better and that you have people around you who have been through the same to support you! Loving the hand sanitizer story… is that why you always smell so good?!

    • the incurable dreamer

      hahaha…Becci, you will never know my secret to smelling so nice! And thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so supportive and putting up with my constant whining. Getting through all of this would have been much more difficult without you. Big things are coming up, I know it. And one of those things is seeing you!!!! I love you. xoxo

  4. Kim

    Your sanitisation of the baby story made me laugh. And you’re lucky to have friends who accept the quirky and love you because of it, despite making their baby super-clean! Good luck with your operation. A friend of mine had it done and feels 100% better. 😊

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks so much, Kim. I am glad my story gave you a laugh. It truly is one of the most ludicrous things I have ever done. Haha! My friends are very special people, and they love me for who I am, and I am so very blessed to have them in my life. Ben will appreciate the story when he is old enough to hear it, and will surely roll his eyes at his old auntie. I have also heard that this surgery helps so many women feel better. I CAN’T WAIT!!! Thanks again Kim, for reading my post and for your kind comment. Have a great day! 🙂

  5. Losing that part of yourself and the finality of it all is like a death. You have to go through the emotions, sadness being one. And to your defense, who keeps hand sanitizer near a baby’s changing area! Haha. Thanks for sharing.

    • the incurable dreamer

      RIGHT??!! Those were my thoughts exactly! Thanks for making me feel better about being such a dip stick. And thanks for saying that about the feelings associated with this surgery. I have been so focused on feeling better that I hadn’t thought at all about what it would take from me. I was surprised when those feelings stirred up inside me. Thanks for saying this, it helps me feel better and understand that what I am feeling is normal. It’s a big deal for sure. Thanks again, I appreciate you saying that so much! xo

  6. cathy blahout

    hahahahaha oh my goodness!!! Even though that was my grandson you sanitized…….that was funny!!
    I had the same surgery 9 years ago and also had the same kind of sadness….and I was 46 (logistically my baby days were long over) but I still had that sense of sadness.
    The surgery was better than I had expected. I read a book with regards to instant menopause after your surgery. It was a good read. I will pop it in the mail for you.
    Keep writing and makes us smile. BUT please double check the name on the bottle next time 😉 lol
    Love ya Tan xo

    • the incurable dreamer

      I AM SO SORRY I SANITIZED YOUR GRANDSON!! Haha! I am such an idiot! Glad you were able to see the humour in it. Thanks for sending me that book, I very much appreciate it. I know a lot of weird things are probably going to happen to my body, so I want to be as prepared as I can be. I certainly wasn’t prepared to feel sad, but I know that will probably pass. My hope is that I feel better and fit into my clothes once again. It is so nice to know that you enjoy what I write – it means so much to me, Cathy. So I promise to keep writing and more importantly, promise to start reading labels!! Love you lots! xo

  7. I laughed so fucking hard at this that on my first reading, I missed some of the more subtle and important things contained therein. For most of my life, the prospect of me being a father was something I found akin to the prospect of being a prisoner of war. But lately (i.e. soberly), I find that I actually love children (well, most of them. some of them. the ones who have my sister’s and my friends’ genetics). I don’t think I would be a “bad father” anymore, but I also think its time has passed and a child wouldn’t really fit into my wanderlust-inspired dreams. You’ll come through that surgery just fine; my friend Michelle had that procedure done and by her account, after a short recovery, she felt the most physical relief she had in years.

    • the incurable dreamer

      PAUL!! I found your comment. You were relegated to spam – but do not fear, I have saved you and brought you back! I love your comparison of fatherhood to being a prisoner of war because, for most of my life, that is how I believed parenthood to be. Now, as I watch my friends, I understand the profound joy that comes with being a parent. You can actually be happy being a parent. Who the hell knew? But, despite this realization, becoming a mother just isn’t for me. My soul is meant to move, and a light would go out inside of me if I were to stay in one place. So, on June 1st, I look forward to getting this demon that is living inside me, OUT! And like your friend Michelle, I hope to feel the same relief. Being a woman really fucking sucks sometimes! Thanks for being your ridiculously awesome self, and for hanging out with me all the time – I appreciate it! WHO IS COMING OUT OF THE GRAVE, PAUL?!!!

  8. I wrote a bunch of nice things here earlier, but apparently, I still don’t know how to work the internet because I somehow neglected to post it. Suffice it to say, this was hilarious and heartwarming.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ha! I am so sorry the internet out-witted you today and forced you to write something for the second time. The internet is a total bastard sometimes. I appreciate any comment you write on any of my posts, so double thanks to you today, for coming back to leave one for me AGAIN! Honestly, thanks so much Paul!

  9. chateautestosterone

    I think that the baby’s parents should have been so much more thankful that you were fully making sure he was CLEAN 😉 xo xo xo xo and you would have been a great mother..we have all stories of the stuff we have done – let me tell you about the time…

    • the incurable dreamer

      HE WAS SO CLEAN, CARON!! I actually did them a huge favour but it wasn’t fully appreciated. 🙄 And thanks for saying that, I think I would have been a good mom too. I would have had a really clean kid, anyway. And I honestly don’t know how you do it – you are a goddamn hero!! ❤️

  10. Dink's wife

    This post made me laugh so hard! I can’t actually believe you hand sanitized my baby from head to toe… honestly, it will forever be one of my favourite stories to share about you, Auntie Poop. Keep writing… you’re really good. And maybe steer clear of any and all products used on babies. Love you mfa!

    • the incurable dreamer

      I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER! 😩 This story is definitely one for the history books because you couldn’t make this shit up! Thanks for your encouragement, man. It really means a lot! Don’t worry, I am leaving the coconut oil and all other baby products in your hands! I don’t know what I am doing anymore!! Love you right back mfa! xo

  11. Rina

    This was a hilarious read! I see you decided to go the route that if you do the job bad enough the first time you will never be asked to do it again.😂 You should buy some Coconut Hand Sanitizer https://www.thebodyshop.com/en-us/body/hand-sanitizer/coconut-antibacterial-hand-sanitizer/p/p000891

    But for real talk you shouldn’t rule out having kids. It is still possible, just last year a women had a uterus transplant and plans to start trying for kids. http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/07/health/uterus-transplant-first-u-s-patient/index.html There is another man this year that is going to get a whole new body. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/oct/03/will-first-human-head-transplant-happen-in-2017 I don’t know what the chances of the guy living are but it will probably push the field forward.

    It is actually odd that you bring this stuff up, as I have had to deal with the same thoughts. I don’t want biological kids, and I will probably never have them. Maybe if I was 10 years younger the science would catch up in time. Years ago I had to accept the fact that I will never have biological kids, or periods, because I am missing the things required to have them. I can look forward to the fact that I may get other symptoms though. (Cramping, Mood Swings, etc)

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks for the comment and all the interesting links. I hope the guy getting a new body pulls through, sounds like a huge sacrifice for the advancement of science. 😳 Kids are definitely not in the cards for me, and that’s ok, I am meant to walk down a different path and want to. So I plan to do just that. I hope you get what it is you are looking forward to, and if you don’t, find another path that leads you to happiness!

      • Rina

        I hope he pulls through as well. Nothing like a new start to life like a new body!

        And walk that path you shall!

        I will be walking my own path soon enough, once I get my own phone call. I am so happy for you that you got yours though!!!

  12. I laughed my ass off when I read this! Sorry it was at yours and little Ben’s expense. But in my defense, you did put it out there. 🙂

    My wife had the same surgery several years ago and it solved so many problems she was having. I can only imagine the contrary emotions that come with the benefits. I get the feeling your destiny lies along a path less traveled. Good luck on the surgery, both physically and emotionally!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks so much, and no need to apologize, I TOTALLY DESERVE IT!! Ha! What a dipshit I am!! And thank you so much for saying those things about my upcoming surgery. It gives me hope to hear that it has helped someone else, so fingers crossed it solves my problems just like it did for your wife. I am so looking forward to feeling better and hitting the path less traveled full steam once again – and soon. Thank you very much – for all of this!

  13. This is priceless in such a wonderful way! Iacknowledge you and encourage you to continue being awesome! Speedy recovery as well. My best friend had this full on surgery couple years ago and I, think, I helped her through her good and bad times of this. It’s great you have true friends to help you!!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you, thank you, Gabbie! I just found your comment tonight because it was tucked away in a weird spam folder – how dare you to be so nice!! HA! I appreciate your comment so much and am truly blown away by your words. I am hoping for a speedy recovery as well and have my friends beside me to help me get back on my feet. They only ask that in return I stop sanitizing the baby. Oopsie daisy. THANKS AGAIN, for your amazing comment. What a beautiful surprise to stumble upon!

  14. Di

    Hello lovely!
    I’ve done it again…. written an essay that disappeared in the other window!

    Well, all I can say this time is what a beautiful, honest piece of writing my friend. Very heartfelt, funny and poignant at the same time, with a very moving ending.
    All the best with your surgery at the turn of the month Tanya. It’s good it’s been brought forward now you’ve decided to go ahead.
    I’m glad your nephew and coconut oil story ended with a laugh. These things happen. I did something similar when I was a nursing student…😯
    More beautiful writing from you that takes us on a full range of feelings.
    Thank you and take care.
    Hugs from me 🙋🏻💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      Di, I am so sorry that keeps happening!! Thank you, though, for taking the time to write another beautiful comment for me to read. Your compliment about my story means a lot! The coconut oil incident sure did end with a laugh. I have the best friends you could ever ask for!

      I am so looking forward to my surgery, because finally my body will match the health of my brain. I am focussed and ready to chase my dreams vigorously, so once I get this sorted out I believe I will really begin to soar. There are so many places I want to go, and if I am healthy, I will get there so much faster! Thanks again for reading and commenting (twice 🙄), it means so very much to me, Di! Have a wonderful day and take good care! 💕

      • Di

        Hello again Tanya! Yay… I remembered to get straight into your blog to comment!
        It’s always my pleasure to read and comment on your posts…😍
        And I really love your attitude about getting the surgery out of the way so you can move forward. I saw Kim’s comment and it was very remiss of me not to let you know that my dearest friend from school days also had that operation last year and is doing wonderfully.
        Have a lovely day yourself Tanya and I cannot tell you how much I enjoy our connection 🙋🏻💕

        • the incurable dreamer

          Oh boy, I need to get that comment issue fixed! I am going to reach out to WordPress tomorrow and find out what is going on! Thanks for sharing with me how well your friend has done since having the surgery. It gives me hope that I am going to feel like a million bucks when this is all over! I enjoy our connection as well, Di – it means a whole heck of a lot! You are an outstanding human being, and possess a special kind of soul. xo

          • Di

            Hello again Tanya!
            I hope you get some answers from WordPress. I just have to remember to curb my enthusiasm in replying in notifications setting and slow down long enough to actually visit your site!!
            Yes, I’ve no doubt you will find a new freedom. Oh and may I say my 92!!! year old friend mentioned she had a hysterectomy too many many years ago!
            And finally… I’m really touched by your lovely compliment my friend. It takes one to know one, is all I can add 😍💜

          • the incurable dreamer

            😘

  15. Wow, ok I need to come here like every day. This story literally had a really great hook, made me want to continue reading more. Then, I got weepy, then I laughed my ass off, then I got weepy again. And then laughed. As you told your story, I felt as if I were looking into a mirror. Except that I am not trusted with my niece and nephew, even though I have been an NICU nurse (burned out like everything else). Well I’m not trusted because I don’t have the energy to be unsupervised and I’ve made questionable life choices. I wish you well on your surgery. I think you have a great attitude going in, and that makes a difference in recovery. Forgive me for not visiting here often. I feel like you’re one of my loveliest supporters!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much, Marlies! And for the record, we have all made questionable life choices, so don’t feel bad. I could tell you things that would make your head spin! I am so happy you read my blog today, but even if you only appear once in a while, I will continue supporting you because I fucking love you! You are hilarious, kind, sweet, and despite the fact you were dealt a shit stick, you still find a way to laugh at the absurd and stay positive. I love your blog, your videos, and the way your brain works. One day if I find myself in Edmonton, I would love to stop by and give you a big ass hug to thank you for being so awesome, and for making my life so much more enjoyable! Thanks for the good wishes about my surgery. I am staying positive and look forward to one day soon, feeling so much better! Have a great day, Marlies! Keep being you, because you are bloody amazing! 😘

  16. OMG, Tanya that is major surgery. Whether you wanted children or not, it is still an extremely emotional operation and blimey, I would be freaking out. You seem to be getting your head around it all and having the loving support of friends and family. I hope it all goes really well and that the recovery afterwards is smooth. Take time to heal physically and emotionally…be good to yourself.

    Oh, I had to laugh at the story of the hand santizer on the baby…well, that was one clean child! And yes, some do smell all florally, I agree! So glad you all made up and they texted you the picture of the sleeping beauty! Ahh…😀

    Hugs and warmest wishes for the 1st June xx❤️

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks so much, Annika! I am so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing and supportive friends. They have all put up with my whining and made me laugh when it didn’t seem like there was anything to laugh about – I am truly blessed. And thanks, I am hoping for a speedy and complication-free recovery. My plan is to take time for my mind and body to feel so that I can move forward with all of this left far behind me. Maybe I will gain back some brain cells also and stop hand sanitizing small children. EEK! But, let’s be honest, no baby has EVER been so clean! Thanks again, Annika. I very much appreciate your good wishes and kindness! xo

  17. Oh Tanya, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry through this. What a gorgeous, funny, heartwarming, poignant post. You mightn’t be destined to be s mum (and many of us aren’t) but you’re a helluva good writer. All the best with the surgery, hope all goes well. Warmest wishes to you. xo

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Miriam. Thank you SO much! You are someone I deeply admire and respect, and your words are taken as a massive compliment and mean more to me than you possibly know. And thank you very much for the good wishes. I am looking forward to feeling tip top once again, so I can really get this train rolling down the tracks! You are a wonderful person Miriam. Enjoy the weekend ahead! xo

      • You’re most welcome Tanya. You’re pretty wonderful yourself, ya know! Here’s to good health and feeling tip top again. Have a great weekend. xo 🙂

  18. hehehehe You’re so right Tanya. This is gonna be one of those stories that will be told and retold for quite awhile. I hope you have an uneventful surgery and recovery, and your friend was right. No worries about growing a beard afterwards even if some of ur lady parts are removed. But I will say, beards may get a bad wrap, but they are an AWESOME means of hiding a few tasty morsels for those in-between meal cravings. Just saying…

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! I will just have to take your word for it, Gabe, because I would drink petrol, if it was the only thing to prevent me from growing a beard! And thanks so much for the good wishes, plan to recover like a boss and be back on my feet in no time! 😊 Nice to hear from you again, Gabe!

  19. So I think it’s safe to say you did not miss your calling as a neonatal nurse:).

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! How did you guess?! I can’t wait to tell him the story when he is older. He will surely say, ‘Oh auntie’ in response. 🙄

  20. Enjoyed your post. You have a funny, terrific sense of humor. Hope your surgery goes well and you keep us all posted. I bought some hand sanitizer the other day to keep in my car. I noticed it smelled like tequila. Weird. Maybe that would have kept you from slathering the baby…or maybe not. lol

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much for reading my post, and for leaving such an incredibly kind compliment! And thanks for the good wishes about my surgery. I most certainly will keep everyone posted. I hope to be able to pass on the news that my vagina came through the whole ordeal totally unscathed. Fingers crossed. And what the hell?? How come your sanitizer smelled like tequila and mine didn’t?! Mine smelled like lavender and chocolate bunnies. Of course I saturated the baby with it. I WAS DOOMED! Anyway, lesson learned (I think). Thanks again for the great compliment. I really enjoy your blog by the way! 🙂

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