the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them my only option

pour me another

When I woke up yesterday morning and raised my body to get out of bed, my first thought was ‘FUCK. THIS.’  It was not a Folgers-in-your-cup kind of morning. Instead, it was one that elicited tears and made me wonder how much better I would feel if I were dead.

Not only is my uterus trying to destroy me, but I have a pain in my back that is so extreme simply existing is taxing.  When I met my Chiropractor for an assessment of my back, he asked me, with a hint of gleeful anticipation, ‘What makes your back feel better?’ and my deadpan response was, ‘Not breathing.’  The x-rays he took confirmed the no breathing thing, and his assessment was that I was totally not messing around.  I needed help.  My back is in bad shape, and since ‘not breathing’ is not an option, he devised a plan of attack intent on relieving me of the horror plaguing me on a daily basis.

After four solid weeks of treatment, though, and spending $1200, I feel no better than the first day I rolled into his office clutching tightly to a dream and a glimmer of hope that he would be my saviour.  So, when I woke up yesterday morning with soul crushing pain yet again, not only in my uterus but my back as well, I was at my wit’s end.  I allowed my mind to roam out of bounds and made no effort to rein it in – I couldn’t have, even if I tried.  I was a total disaster, and by noon I was hanging by a thread.

But, somehow I made it through the last 4 hours of my work day and made my way back to the place I am currently pet sitting.  I loaded the two big boys I am looking after into my go-cart of a car and headed to the dog park.  As we were walking, I came across a woman who knew the dogs, because she knew the owner very well.  And right there, as if destiny had intervened, we began talking about our dreams and what it was that we were both striving to achieve. She has a strong desire to go to Africa but is hesitant to go alone.  I shared with her my love of New York City, and how easily I navigated it alone, without fear.  I encouraged her to find a way to go to Africa because it is her dream and only she can make it happen.

New York City is my dream, will always be my dream, but I have had the opportunity to feel it, breathe it, and live it.  And I made it clear that I wanted her to have the same experience by going to Africa.  ‘YOU HAVE TO GO‘ I squealed at her.  I was ignited.  She was ignited.  And my mind was no longer focussing on pain, only my dreams.  As I stood there, excitedly explaining to her why I was doing what I am doing; our conversation reminded me exactly why I was walking in that dog park.  I couldn’t believe how it all came flooding back.  I am damaged but am still giving it all I have and am fighting my way through the pain with the hope of accomplishing the impossible. I am moving forward, despite it all.  I really am.  Holy shit. Even though I could have, I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP!!

Look at me. Here is a photo of us last night at the dog park.  As you can see, I don’t even need to pack extra luggage; I have enough under my eyes to accompany me around the world. What I see when I look at this photo is exhaustion, pain, and endless struggle.  But, what I should see, what I must see, is my dream, and some of the things I love that are helping me make my dream come true.  Beside me are two beautiful souls, who can’t speak, but who need me. Despite our brief time together, they love me.  And I love them.  I really do.  It is my job to keep them safe and happy, and though I feel like a big bag of balls, I am doing just that.  I am a goddamn doggy goddess.

So, today I rose from my bed, in pain, but determined, and in possession of a profound appreciation for yet another day.  As Jenny Lawson would say, ‘I AM HERE.’  I am, and I have no intention of going anywhere but forward.  I CAN DO THIS!

This evening, after a busy day of running around buying prophylactics for my back and swollen insides, and after walking two precious dogs for miles, I decided that what I needed to do was chill the hell out.  I needed to breathe.  To relax, take in the sun and live in the moment.  And to be free of the stress and worry bogging me down.  So, I stopped by the liquor store for a bottle of wine.  And, as though the universe knew what was up, I was led directly to the message I needed to receive.  Perfect.

Of course, I bought it. HELLO!

As I sat in the sun this evening, accompanied by the love of two hounds, I sipped my wine slowly, and I looked up.

Shit most certainly could be worse.

And every jet stream I witnessed was the reminder I needed, that there are many places I am destined to go.  That I will go.

My pain is only temporary.

On my list of things to do tomorrow – buy some goddamn lipstick.

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54 Comments

  1. lol….I hope you feel better soon…at least your sense of humor is still healthy!

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! Thanks so much! Nothing or no one will ever take my humour away from me! It is what keeps me from curling up into a ball and crying in a corner all day long!

  2. Di

    Hello dear Tanya,
    What an immensely powerful post. I can almost feel your pain radiate through here, you have described it with such intensity.
    I’m so sorry to read that you are in such distress… hopefully after this week with your operation, you will find such relief. I hope the back pain is related to the other and it will fix itself accordingly. I understand how disgusting back pain can be although it’s different for us all.
    I’m so happy to see your sense of humour shine through and your always ‘look for the positives’ are still there.
    As for your photo… I see none of what you see… I saw joy, contentment and a wonderful smile… funny how we see ourselves isn’t it?
    I wish you all the best in the coming weeks and feel free to keep in touch via any means.
    Sending love and hugs,
    Di 💐💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      You are a sweetheart Di, and as always I appreciate your support and encouragement. This whole experience has tested every ounce of strength I hold. Overall, I am winning the battle, but some days I don’t do so well. It did feel fantastic to have a glass of wine and then whine about it on my blog! hahaha. Sometimes you just have to get things out, so you don’t go mad inside your head all alone. I am blessed in my life and am so fortunate to be doing what I am doing. People allow me into their homes and trust me to take care of the most prized possessions, and it is an honour to be able to do that for them. There is always something to be positive about; the key is never to lose sight. Thanks again Di, your kindness is never-ending, and I am so lucky to be on the receiving end of it. I will most certainly keep in touch! xo

  3. Kim

    Your strength and determination are to be admired. I wonder if your back pain will disappear once your uterus is operated on? Hang in there, the doggies need you!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, thanks, Kim! It means a lot that you said that. I am counting on my back feeling better when this is all over. I believe it is all connected, so I have hope pain free days are awaiting me!! Thanks again!

  4. Hold on to that positive healthy attitude! I hope things improve for you soon ☺

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much, Caroline! Soon I am going to feel like a rock star, I know it, and I can’t wait!

  5. Elaine Baumann

    Oh Tanya I am so sorry you are going thru all that pain . One more week before surgery so you can throw that situation in the bucket As you know I am trying Medical Marijuana for pain and my tremors I have no pain this morning but I have fucking hives that I had to bath my back in Calcimine lotion at 4 am and lay on a ice pack to get some relief. I want this to work so badly I am willing to put up with the hives I can hardly walk to my car without my knees screaming and I had an x=ray on my back and it’s a mess to many horse accidents Nobody and I mean nobody told me if I was galloping on a horse I was suppose to stay on the frickin’ thing but when I fell off I had my bell ringing
    Like you my volunteer work is so important to me and the pain in my knees is so bad I need people to help me get up to the stage 300 people want to see Annie Oakley tell her cowboy jokes embarrass the people I am putting a white hat on ride horses rope calves (pretend) and yodel When I get to my car I say I can’t do this anymore gawd damn it and when I get home I check my computer to find out what time I am doing it again tomorrow My motto which I am sure I breed into you and Melissa is ” Never say you can’t do something ” but at this age I need to add a little more into that phrase – ” unless it’s going to kill you”

    Hang in there kiddo when I was 40 they told me I was heading for a wheelchair at 43 your dad and I were winning dance athons Now in my 70’s I am still trying to act to 40 but you can’t boogie when your woogie won’t work Love you Happy Birthday and I will be sitting on you shoulder when they roll you into surgery I have to plant that one chin hair Smooootch

    • the incurable dreamer

      Elaine, what in the hell?? Now you have hives on top of it all as well? Goddammit. You though, inspire me all the time. You just keep facing it and stepping up on that stage to make other people laugh and feel special. That takes a whole ton of courage and I am honestly so incredibly proud of you for pushing through. At my age, you and my dad were ripping out the dance floor night after night. That thought encourages me to keep going and believing that the relief I need will soon be mine. I just love the absolute hell out of you Elaine. And thanks for the early birthday wish. Wish I could see you for a birthday hug. LOVE YOU!

  6. So sorry to hear your body is trying to destroy you. But you’ve got something special that helps you get beyond it. Not sure exactly what that is, but I feel like I got a glimpse as you described your interaction at the park. My face would have been broadcasting “fuck off” in undeniable technicolor, but somehow, you strike up a conversation to INSPIRE someone else to reach for their dreams. These kind of moments can’t be manufactured, or even prescribed. Despite the luggage your carrying (and not under your eyes btw;)) you’re still moving forward.

    Almost makes me think there’s hope for us mere mortals…

    • the incurable dreamer

      Gabe, you just made me laugh so hard. Thank you! hahaha. And your compliment is so unbelievably kind, and I appreciate it more than you know. I have to say; it was a very special moment and one that I am very proud to have experienced. Suppose those moments are the ones that keep me from flinging myself into a corner and blubbering while eating ding dongs all day long. Despite it all, I am staying the course and forward is still my only destination. Honestly, this blog and the connections I have made, especially with people like you, have helped immensely. What a great community to be a member of – this is where all the cool kids assemble! Have I told you lately how happy I am that you are back? Well, I AM!! Thanks for being you, Gabe. You are a special kind of human, and I am so incredibly grateful to be able to call you friend. PS…when will you be blogging about ‘fart’ in Italian? HA!

      • I was all set to tell you that I appreciated the generous compliment, the you have to bring Ding-Dong’s into it. Completely uncalled for my friend. Not only is the nearest Ding Dong over 600 miles away, it’s probably not on my diet (although it really should be in my medical opinion).
        In all seriousness though Tanya, your blog, and your comments bring a big smile to my face. Cheers!

        • the incurable dreamer

          Ha! Sorry Gabe, ding-dongs are too good to leave out of the conversation. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe you will find a few in your mailbox one day. Just sayin. Talk soon Gabe, and thank YOU for all the smiles!

  7. I’m caring those bags around with me too Tanya. But the most striking feature of that photo is that BIG SMILE of yours. That’s a damn fine weapon against the bad things. I know not everything will be rainbows and puppy toes but I can’t help but thinking you have some pain free days in your future after the surgery. Take care!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Lee, thank you so much for saying that. I see a horrendously sleep deprived person when I look at that photo, but your comment made me realize that I just need to smile my way through this shit until June 1st. I refuse to surrender to this monster! Fingers crossed that in just a short time this experience will be a thing of the past and I will be much stronger for having gone through it. THANK YOU!

  8. Di

    Hello again lovely Tanya,
    As always, you are gracious in reply and finding the positives. You are amazing.
    Yes, those days where you feel like a whine…and to get it ‘out of your head’ is something we are all fully entitled to for sure. It really helps, I know!
    Yes, please feel free to keep in touch. I’ll always love hearing from you…
    Wishing you all the best and sending love and a hug 🦋💕💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you, Di! I appreciate you being available to me even outside of our blogs, it really means a lot to me. 😘 I hope you have a wonderful week. Hugs right back to you!

  9. Powerful. It’s always tricky trying to support someone who is in chronic pain. As a fellow sufferer I certainly don’t want to diminish what they are feeling but I also know from experience that sometimes you have to just say, ‘screw this’ and pretend like you are NOT in pain so that you don’t spend your entire life stuck in bed and feeling worse. Good luck with your surgery Gorgeous! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your face turned up to the sun <3

    • the incurable dreamer

      I just found your comment in my spam folder – weird! Thank you so much for the encouragement, I appreciate it immensely! I agree with you 100%, sometimes you just have to refuse to surrender. Sometimes that is all I want to do, to totally give up and let it take hold. Luckily, though, I always find a way to push through and am finding the silver lining in it all. I am sorry you suffer as well. You possess a wonderful spirit and attitude so I don’t imagine you let it get you down too often! Thank you again. I am going to keep facing the sun and moving forward! 😘

  10. Glenda

    YOU ARE PRECIOUS! Nuff said

  11. Hey Tanya, I’m sorry you’ve been in so much pain but let me tell you, you don’t have extra baggage under those eyes (that’s me why the way!) what you have is a spark and a determination and spunk that will see you through this. And a wonderful smile. Don’t ever give up or tell yourself you can’t cope, and if you do, don’t listen to that dark self (that we all have by the way) there’s so much strength in this post. Keep smiling lovely lady. 🙂

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Miriam. You really are a lovely human being and a special soul. Thank you for saying this, it means a lot. I am always striving to turn a negative into a positive but lately, that has been harder and harder to do. Your words have encouraged me to not give in, and not listen to the dark voices inside my head. I know there is a light, so I will keep looking straight ahead and moving towards it. And I will keep smiling. Thank you, thank you! You are amazing! xo

      • So are you Tanya. You know, it’s so normal to have those dark days and feel like it’s impossible to turn a negative into a positive. But believe it my friend, you can. Even when you think you can’t, there are better things ahead, believe it. Just keep focused on moving forward and towards that light … remember that you have the power to keep it switched on. Big hugs xo

        • the incurable dreamer

          I will Miriam, I promise. Thank you so much! Big hugs right back xo

  12. Wow what a great article!! OMG you cracked me up with that “not breathing” bit. I HAVE TO use that line to some serious, unsuspecting medical professional. Seriously I laughed so hard that I almost stopped breathing. I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain. I really, really can relate to you. This was a very inspirational and humorous post, and I needed to read it today. Thank you.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks, Marlies!! Please do unleash the ‘not breathing’ line on any medical professional you come in contact with! Hahaha! You would deliver that so well and I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you do! I am glad it gave you a chuckle! When I wrote this, I actually thought of you because I know you can relate, and have so many things you are trying to overcome. You continually inspire me Marlies, and I respect you so much. Your ability to keep moving forward with a smile on your face, your sense of humour in tact, and fearless determination is what I love about you! You are my hero!! Hope you had a great day today and wake up without a truck on your head tomorrow! 😘

  13. Chk out The Tapping Solution by Nick Ortner. I got my copy from the library. The first 3 easy chapters and a vid or two online, and you’ll be on your way to a new You.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you! I just googled him and am certainly going to check look into this more. I would eat slugs (reluctantly) if it would take my pain away – this seems like a much better alternative! Thanks for the tip! 🙂

      • Let’s be friends and try and see if slugs will take away our pain. Omg I crack me up. lol

        • the incurable dreamer

          Marlies. I think you and I may be soul mates of some kind. I honestly read your comment and laughed uncontrollably for 10 minutes with tears pouring down my face. I am going to find us a great deal on slugs and make us matching T-shirts that say ‘Slug life’ Omg you crack me up! HA!

  14. My reply isn’t going through so here’s a new thread.

    You don’t really need the book but I’d highly recommend it. And get the one for Pain Relief (that’s in the title). It spells things out in a way the vids quite don’t. Making sense of things, having an idea as to wHy something would work HELPS! Let me know how it goes. You can get results very fast. Email me if you’d like some links to the vids I found most helpful.
    My 10-yr-old took to it right away and has been successfully treating himself for all sorts of things, emotional upsets and injuries.

    holisticwayfarer at gmail dot com
    Diana

    • the incurable dreamer

      Wow, thank you so much, Diana. I really appreciate you sending me this information. I will send you an email tomorrow, I would love the links. I am thrilled to hear that your son has had luck with it. Amazing! Thanks again!!

  15. Regarding breathing, this one’s just for you: https://youtu.be/8MMc3f588yc

    • the incurable dreamer

      OMG!!!! Hahahahaha! This is amazing!! I like how they say breathing staves off death and death-like symptoms! So freaking funny!! 😂😂😂

  16. Tanya, through all your pain and troubles your life-affirming spirit shines through – and that’s what I see in your eyes too in the photo – not bags!! Reading it the first time I thought you were carrying some bags and was going to quickly admonish you!! Having had horrific back pain through two slipped discs I feel for you – it takes over your life, almost. Moments like this in the park are blessed and you realise there is a world beyond your pain. I had months and months of physio and was close to going back to the operation my consultant recommended when out of desperation I accepted my phyio’s offer to try acupuncture – by that stage I would have tried anything. I’m not advocating anything but for me this was miraculous and even though I have to be very careful and mindful I’m mostly pain free. I do hope you can be soon too. Hugs. xx

    • the incurable dreamer

      Annika, you are so sweet! Thank you so much for all of this. And I am glad you realized I wasn’t carrying real bags. Hahaha. And thank you for the suggestion of acupuncture. As soon as I am healed up from my surgery, I am going to give it a whirl. I need something, anything that will help, and you are not the first person to mention how much acupuncture helped. I am thankful for moments like the one I had in the park, and I do know there is a magnificent and magical world beyond my pain – thank you for being a part of it. Hugs right back. xo

  17. I hope you can find a solution soon. It really doesn’t sound like much fun. 🙁

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks, Jo! I have my fingers crossed that in one week this nightmare will be a thing of my past! 🙌

  18. You are indeed a goddamn doggy goddess, Tanya! You are in my thoughts today, but not in a “I hope her surgery goes well” sorta way, because of course it will. It’s more of a “I can’t wait until Tanya feels better, which will be very soon now, because she fucking deserves it and has dreams to realize, dammit!” Yeah. That’s what it is.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Paul, thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts, I really like what you got going on in there. There are dreams I need to make come true, and I have quite frankly, had enough of this shit!! Thursday cannot come soon enough. Thanks for being here, and for your constant encouragement and support!

      Ps…I am a little behind on blog reading again. Yesterday or the day before I noticed that there is a new instalment of your book out…HOLLA!! I can’t wait to read it! 🙌

  19. I’m not sure Liz Taylor is the one we should be taking advice from, given her train wrecks–but love the quote! I don’t believe in chance encounters. Love that you were led to the woman in the park and all the insights that came from that . . .

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ha! She is certainly the queen of train wrecks, but I love the idea that you dust yourself off and keep moving when things get tough. And thanks, that moment in the park was pretty special and I am so grateful for it. I agree it was meant to be, and was just the reminder I needed!

  20. Thought I would check in and see how things have gone for you. Hope everything went well and you are recovering well.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, you are the sweetest! Thanks so much for checking in on me. My surgery went well, and I am fucking delighted to say that the back pain I have been experiencing is gone!! My only complaint is that I am suffering from severe dizzy spells and am totally out to lunch right now. I do mean more than usual. Ha! I am so behind on reading blogs etc but am hoping to start getting caught up today! I might even write a new one, but I am not responsible for anything I say! You are awesome Lee, and I appreciate you so much! 😊 Thanks again!

      • So glad to hear that! I hope the dizzy spells pass. But not too soon, because blog posts written when you are out to lunch can be the best kind! Take care!

  21. I’m following you Tanya. Why ? ‘Cos you’re wearing Chanel #5. No other reason. 🙄💕💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Ralph. I am truly honoured that you are following my little blog – means a whole lot! Thank you, kind sir. 🙂

  22. Dream on sweet girl, dream on.

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