the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them my only option

what the hell is going on?

Last Thursday, I woke up in a notable funk. As soon as I opened my eyes and took my first conscious breath, it was evident it was going to be ‘one of those days.’  There was no explanation for feeling the way I did, so I just rolled with it, thinking that the next day would be a better one.  Well, Friday morning brought more of the same, and it was the beginning of my slide to hell in a handbasket. (Does it sound more dramatic if I went in an actual basket?)  The person looking back at me in the mirror flipped me the bird, and I was like, ‘WHAT ARE YOU GETTING PISSY WITH ME FOR?’  There was no way for me to shake it, so I accepted my fate and the fact that I was going to have to feel things I really didn’t want to.

The ache in my heart was intensified a couple of hours later when I read on my Instagram feed that, Lawson from the Goats of Anarchy (www.goatsofanarchy.com), died.  Lawson was a goat, and I had never met him, but this news was catastrophic and upon reading the words, ‘Lawson just died,’ my heart shattered into a million pieces.  Leanne Lauricella, who began Goats of Anarchy so she could dedicate her life to saving disabled and special needs goats is one of my heroes, and she was broken.

Precious little Lawson.

Friday turned into Saturday, and my plan was to write, but my gloom was palpable, and words eluded me.  So instead I began reading ‘we are never meeting in real life’ by Samantha Irby. She is a woman after my own heart.  She has a potty mouth and loves to talk about poop and anything else you wouldn’t ordinarily dare speak about – it was a match made in heaven.

The first word that came to mind after devouring the last word of her book was ‘WOW.’  Her honesty impressed the hell out of me, and I wondered how she had found the courage to write so openly about, well…everything.  My god, I was astounded.  Her ability to make me laugh and break my heart all at the same time was heroic.  She had managed to catapult herself onto the same pedestal upon which I hold Jenny Lawson.

But then goddammit, the inspiration I had gained from her quickly evaporated.  ‘YOU CAN’T WRITE!’ ‘YOU SUCK!’ ‘WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU SAY?’ ‘Ohhh, and…haha…YOU ARE NOT FUNNY!’ are the things the asshole side of my brain began relentlessly repeating after hijacking my thoughts.  Then I started crying.  It was as though all the air had been completely sucked out of me and I was clawing at the sidewalk desperately hoping that a gust of wind wasn’t going to send me spiraling into the abyss.  I was a complete and utter horror show, soon to be devoured by a monster, never to be seen or heard from again.

The only good thing is that I recognized my brain was having some serious issues and that I was acting like a total self-sabotaging asshat.  Didn’t mean I could stop it though.  My mind was completely out of control.  If Samantha Irby had been there, she would have said, ‘Bitch, you need to pull your pitiful self together. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME!’  And with a snot-laden and tear-stained face, I would have looked at her while hysterically scream-lying at the top of my lungs, ‘IT’S ALLERGIES, SAMANTHA!’

Read this book! I swear it won’t make you have a meltdown – mine was a one-off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After regrouping and washing the pathetic off my face, I settled back in with Harry Potter. Hogwarts always makes me happy, and considering my current instability; this seemed like a safe plan.  Harry though was all mad because Lord Voldemort tried to kill him (rightly so) and he was facing expulsion for defending himself against a Dementor.  But he was taking it all out on Hermione and Ron, and wouldn’t let up.  ‘STOP BEING SO MEAN, HARRY?’ I kept yelling in my head.  A chapter later, with no change of attitude in sight, I slammed the book shut and with a huff, began scrolling Twitter.

*I would like to take a moment to pass on this vital ‘The More You Know’ message.*

NEVER GO ON TWITTER WHEN YOU ARE DEPRESSED.  Christ almighty, what was I thinking?

After a mere three minutes on Twitter, I wished that every Canadian could pick up a piece of the country and Fred Flinstone it the fuck away from our neighbours to the south, who are currently being led by a bat-shit-crazy incompetent straight for the Apocalypse.  Pre-emptive strike on North Korea?  Oh, goody!  While you are at it, please take hockey away from us so WE. HAVE. NOTHING. LEFT. TO. LIVE. FOR.

Twitter lately reminds me that the world has completely lost its moral compass and that the standards are now set so low, nobody has to be accountable for anything.  And those like Leanne, who give all of themselves with only kindness and love, are rewarded with heartache and pain so intense it threatens to destroy their very souls.  Why?  NOTHING was making sense, like, at all.

The wind began to blow, and I was holding on for dear life, trying not to fall further down the rabbit hole.  My heart was hurting, and darkness was closing in.

Days faded into one another, and I knew I had to do something.  The clouds weren’t lifting.  So, I set off to the one place I knew I would find some clarity.

 

Instantly I felt the grip of darkness loosen its hold on me.  Then, 4 Non Blondes reminded me that nobody really knows what the hell is going on and that we are all just trying to find our destination.  That place where we belong.  As their lyrics blasted in my ear, I remembered that this is my life.  My one shot.  And that I have a choice to make.  I can continue repeating the words,  ‘I can’t,’ or I can put on my big girl pants and fucking go for it.

Admittedly, I have no idea what the hell is going on in this world, and why nobody is doing anything about it.  Our lives may soon come to a catastrophic end at the hands of an ill-informed egomaniac, but sitting around worrying about it isn’t going to get me anywhere.  I am here.  In this moment. Acutely aware that the next one is not a guarantee.

Pain teaches us that we are strong, resilient and capable of so much more than we ever imagined.  And as Leanne recovers from her devastating loss, I find myself inspired by her ability to keep moving forward and remaining committed to helping those who can’t help themselves, when all she wants to do is give up.  There is no answer for Lawson’s loss, and the lesson from it has yet to be learned.  But there is one.  There is always one.

What I do know, is that I am going to continue supporting her and believing in life and love though it tends to rip your heart out over and over again.  And next year, when I am there volunteering, I am going to wrap my arms around her and say thank you, for what she has given me and so many others.

We are here.  And we are alive.  So let’s make the most of it and maybe change the world a little along the way.

The clouds have lifted, and there is light all around.  My big girl pants are securely on, and it is indeed a happy day.

Today I choose to go for it.

Life is short, eat the cake – Becci Mincher (thank you, my beautiful friend).

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54 Comments

  1. I think having those days of self hatred are apart of being a creative genius. You can’t help it, your mind had to balance it’s wonderfulness with some bullshit. As your neighbor to the South, I often want to pick up my house on my back like a fucking turtle and swim far far away with it. Its strange to be an American because it is simultaneously scary and embarrassing. We all have good days and bad days ahead, lets hope for more of the former!

    • the incurable dreamer

      You are so right! I think all
      of us writers struggle with self-doubt and loathing of ourselves at times. What we do leaves us vulnerable and subject to be criticized, so it is impossible not to question our abilities. And as for your circumstances down there, I am so sorry. The fact that your country is being run by a house full of imbeciles is truly hard to watch. But I believe that goodness will win in the end and better days are to come! I would offer to marry all of you so you can escape to the north until it settles down, but I can only marry one. So, will you? 😉

      • Oh my god, I just, I’m so surprised! This is so sudden, my mom will be so happy! lol. The weirdest part about Trump’s America is it has brought all of this shit to the surface. I’ll be talking to someone who I think is perfectly normal and then they say something like “Trump is going to get those fucking Mexicans out of here” and I just freeze! I wonder if it’s the same in Britain right now. What do Canadians do? Does the Orange scrotum come up in conversation very often, are you all just horrified? Do you wan’t to honeymoon in Paris or Rome?

        • the incurable dreamer

          I hope your mom likes me!! And DEFINITELY Paris! HA! Oh man, you nailed it. All the shit and ugliness has come to the surface and is on full display. Here in Canada, we are watching all this unfold in utter horror. People talk about him every day, and most of us are still trying to process the fact that he was actually elected. He doesn’t know his asshole from a hole in the ground, and he made that pretty clear in the debates where Hilary completely owned him. What in the sam hell were people thinking voting for him??? OMG! I live on the west coast of Canada where we are super liberal, but in some parts of Canada, people love him – including a few of my family members. Fake news is their bible. Sigh. It’s disgusting. I say, let him Tweet himself right out of office, along with the rest of the hatemongers from the Republican party. AHHHHHH! Our honeymoon can’t come soon enough!

  2. Great relatable post. Every day I wake up and wonder wtf our crazy fake president has done while I was sleeping peacefully. Seriously, I gotta wake up and my first thought is of him? The apocalypse can’t come soon enough. ps: Love the song.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Honestly, I still am having a hard time believing that any of this is real. Thankfully I live in Canada, but in my opinion, he is so dumb and dangerous, he is a global threat, so it doesn’t matter where I live. And how gross that your first thoughts in the morning are of him. Like you, I wonder what the hell he has done while I was sleeping! Yes, bring on the Apocalypse! haha. Thanks for the comment! 🙂

  3. Elaine Baumann

    Oh! man you nailed it The past two weeks I was the mayor of Funk City rolled around in the doom and gloom streets trying to pull my head onto the curb to see the light of day Then Trudeau and Trump would in rhythm stomping on my heavy noggin pounding any fucking hope i had about peace and salvation Well Trump it`s `piece“ not peace and Trudeau just takes a picture of his dick and hands it to Sophie The rotting gut feeling England is bad Germany is bad North Korea Canada US of A Ukraine the unrest in China there are days when you wonder if the fuckin` world is going to blow up Think I better have a shot of my marijuana oil and let my senior brain cells swim around in delight and hope I don`t run naked down the hallway Aaah ! world is looking better

    • the incurable dreamer

      HAHA! Elaine, I think we could all use a shot of your marijuana oil right now. There is so much bad stuff going on in the world, and it hurts my head when I try and process it. Making any sense of it all is simply impossible. So, I say run down the hall naked and be happy. Our days are numbered, so all we can do is make the most of each moment! Love you!

  4. Au contraire, my brilliant friend! You are JUST AS funny as Jenny, of whom, as you know, I am a die-hard fan. For most blogs I follow, I am content to be notified of new posts via e-mail. But there are 2 WordPress accounts that are on my favorites bar at home and at work: TheBloggess and TheIncurableDreamer. Right up there with The Onion. Yes, you are that good. And: in the midst of all that profundity above, you slipped in not only a great song, but a quote by my #2 philosophical hero of all time, Robert Anton Wilson. And: you made me fall in love with a goat. And: you just turned this potential drag of a Sunday into a most beautiful day to be alive. Thank you, Tanya.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Paul. I am stunned and honoured beyond words. To be placed in the same category as Jenny and the Onion (which I also love) is one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. You are someone I have the utmost respect for, and who I consider to be one of the greatest writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Your talent and genius are off the charts. So, you being a fan of my blog means absolutely everything because I can only aspire to be as good as you are. I wish that I didn’t struggle with confidence and self-doubt, but at times I just do. Your encouragement and support inspire me to keep writing and doing what I am doing. I think you might be rubbing off on me – Robert Anton Wilson – love him! Hope your visit is going well so far. Enjoy this beautiful day, my friend! 🙂

  5. Okay, well yet again, was laughing, now crying. The fucking rabbit hole. I have dove in and climbed my way out about 3 times this week…presently climbing back out. It’s fucking ridiculous and I’m tired and sad and tired of being sad.

    And by the way, your writing makes me think i suck!! I so relate to that. It took me the longest time to even start reading other people’s blogs. All I could think was why in the hell would anyone ever spend time reading my heartbreaking mess when they could read this piece of art?

    So what’s the alternative? I don’t write. I don’t read. I don’t take a risk and turn myself inside out for the sheer fact that it might make one person feel? And I come back to the same conclusion. You get one. One. And it can either be a mediocre affair that is fueled by fear and/or complacency, or it can be a sometimes terrifying, but exhilarating adventure that at times will send you into a tailspin, plunging head first down our oh too familiar rabbit hole.

    So, Ms. Tanya, just know that my world would be a much sadder, less beautiful, colorful place if I didn’t get to read your pieces of art. And they are. And your funky days are part of what make them and you so colorful. And, turns out there is pretty good company kept in our oh too familiar temporary residence.

    And please, PLEASE, from the bottom of my heart, accept my apology on behalf of the people to the south who are pathetic, complacent, self-serving, cowardly assholes who either didn’t vote or, voted for the monster now in the position that has the potential, and is, causing so much pain, fear and suffering around the world. Although I didn’t vote for him, I was unfortunately born in the country he now ‘leads’. (Note: I am fortunate to be born, but am so very envious of those with a green or red or effing neon pink passport).

    Regarding this whole night, there are no words….and I always have words.

    🙁

    • the incurable dreamer

      Oh, Brooke, you beautiful soul. I implore you to keep writing your mess down. You must. I have to tell you; I was deeply affected by your words when I first read them, and have been by ever since. Because finally, I had discovered someone who was dealing with the exact same emotions I was. Like holy shit. It was a goddamn revelation for me. You make me feel like I am not going insane, and that it is ok to feel this way. You have no idea how grateful I am to you for that. Suppose the appropriate thing to do right now is to thank you. So…thank you. Thank you for taking risks and bleeding that beautifully painful shit out. And for choosing the adventure though at times it hurts like hell and sends you spiraling. Just fucking thank you. And know, that when you go down that rabbit hole, you are not going down it alone – I am right in there with you and will do all I can to help you get out. Anytime. I know what it feels like to be sad and tired, and tired of being sad. I GET IT!

      And for the record, I consider your writing to be art and mine complete and utter chaos. So, I can’t tell you what it means to me that my words are thought of in this way by you. It is an honour. Man, do I ever mean that.

      You DO NOT owe me an apology for that flaming sack of shit. I am so sorry you have to live there and endure the horror of his ignorance. My passport is dark blue, but inside is a maple leaf flag and never have I been more thankful to be a citizen of this country. Love will prevail, though. I wholeheartedly believe that. And order will once again be restored.

      And Brooke…I am really fucking happy you were born too!

      You are amazing.

      • wow…case and point- I have to learn by making the same effing mistake over and over!!!! Another novel…like NOVEL via my phone…gone. (insert emoji who looks like he’s somewhere between getting punched in the face, sitting in L.A. traffic, and listening to Mr. Trump try to articulate an educated response to some major international issue that he is about to make a crisis with the wave of his pen)
        Anyway…what I was saying is something along the lines of you made me tear up with your response…again, but not because I’m sad, but because your words always reach right through this screen, grab my heart and gently squeeze it, reminding me that I am in fact in a rabbit hole, but in the ‘Wonderland’ version of it. It feels like I can finally see my reflection, staring back at me from above/the north as I look up in awe from the below/south (or effing hell…choose your metaphor), looking at this beautiful soul that is so many things I want to be and so many things i already am.

        • Lovely, do you mind if I post a part of our comments here on my FB page? I want to introduce your blog to my peeps and give them a peak of our lil’ blog bubble relationship that has blossomed and why you are so amazing and your beautiful gift with words!! I can also just post an excerpt of one your posts to give them a taste and they will get that too! Which ever you prefer!

          • the incurable dreamer

            Wow. Brooke. That is really nice of you, and I feel slightly unworthy. Thank you. I trust you, though, so you have the green light to share our new friendship on your FB page. It is a pretty cool lil’ bubble.

        • the incurable dreamer

          I love that. The ‘Wonderland’ version. Yeah, you really are.

          There definitely needs to be an emoji for that! Ha! And sorry my WordPress app is such an asshole. ?

  6. I wanna cuss and say F*CK these F*cking funks but I’m pretty sure I’ll wind up in Spam prison again, but you know what I mean.

    I’m starting to wonder if we’re wearing the same big girl pants btw. (the ones that keep slipping down right before we have do something productive or meaningful or whatever). I’ve been escaping back into Potterville recently as well (although I’m reading about Ron’s Wizard Chess skills). I guess what I’m trying to say is you’re either a great writer with a talent for drawing your readers in and helping us relate, orrrr you’ve found a way to sneak into my brain. In the unlikely event its the later, sure hope you brought armor, cause it’s usually pretty messy in there.

    And I hear ya about the allergies. Pretty sure the pollen’s are staging a coup in protest of our sh*tty global cooling plans.

    So glad you pushed past your inner editor’s lies to share with again us Tanya. You know how much we enjoy sharing in the you that you do so well!

    • the incurable dreamer

      It makes no sense. My entire blog should be held in Spam prison because of my incessant profanity! WordPress, whhyyyy are you holding my readers to such a ridiculous un-Tanya-like standard?! Yeesh!

      I promise you this. If I was ever granted a full access pass to your brain, I would leave the armour at home and bring heaps and heaps of notepads, so I could document every peculiar and wonderful thing about that spectacular brain of yours. Messy is beautiful and I am so grateful you share all your magic with us. What a fun ride it has been!

      You have been with me since the beginning, and without your support I would have given up many times. So thank you, Gabe. I will have more days of doubt and suffering, but I vow to never give up. Isn’t it the darkness that makes you and I appreciate the colours the light brings the way that we do? I wouldn’t change that for anything. I want to feel it all, always.

      Oh, and when Harry starts being an asshole to everyone, hold on, it will get better I promise! HA!

      Ps…global cooling is a thing of the past, so we should all just eat lots of snickers and wine gums because it might be all we have left!

      Have a good day, my wonderful friend!

      • You know that song “u r my sunshine/ my only sunshine/ u make me HAP-PY/when skies r grey?” For some reason I feel like this should be our theme song or something. Not that we need a theme song. But it should really be in there someplace. Just sayin’

        This is what real friendship is about. Right? Sticking around through the sunny days at the beach (or mountains) as well as the stormy sh*tty stuff.

        While I don’t have the indomitable resolve you do (I’m beginning to think this, along with your incurable dreaming, are your superpowers), I wouldn’t change this for anything either.

        Blogger-Twin Powers Activate! Form of… Snickers and Wine Gummies! (Kuddos to you if you get this cheesy 80’s cartoon reference)

        P.S. friggin’ allergies…

        • the incurable dreamer

          Aww Gabe, my allergies are out of control since reading this comment. *sniff sniff* This IS what friendship is all about. And having theme songs. WE HAVE A THEME SONG!! Blogger-Twin Powers have been activated! (Of course I get the reference – I am ancient!)

          Thanks for being you, and such a light in my world! ?

  7. chateautestosterone

    Hugs & Love.

  8. Life in indeed short and there are no do-overs! I, for one, believe that our emotions are what make it worth living – the vast gamut of love and joy and the inescapable suffering that goes along with it. Keep the heart open so you don’t miss the beautiful parts, like Lawson and cake. <3

    • the incurable dreamer

      Yes, to all of this. So much yes. My heart is wide open and the pain is welcome to drop by anytime, because it helps me appreciate the blessings and beauty surrounding me so much more. There is so much cake and so much love. You are beautiful. Thank you. ❤️

  9. I stopped trying to figure out what was going on a while ago. However, I do know this, you are a good writer and I enjoy reading your words. I’ve been in the same funk when I’ve second guessed why I even bother taking time for what other’s have called my “little blog hobby”. However, in the end I just have to remember. I’m doing it for myself. If others get something out of it, that is a bonus.

    I usually make it a point not to get into political discussions online because it can be the quickest way to loose a friend. My only comment here will be that while I have no love and only contempt for the current administration, I also have the same contempt for all the politicians, no matter what side of the aisle they are on. They are all self serving and are only concerned with the job of getting themselves re-elected. Enough said on that matter.

    I’ve recently heard of Samantha Irby’s book from a couple of sources and now that you have given it your endorsement I will be checking it out. See you on the other side of the clouds!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ari, I love your attitude. Blogging is so fun, and like you, I also do it for myself. And the fact that anyone out there wants to read my nonsense is a huge bonus. I can’t thank you enough for following my blog and enjoying the shit I write about! It really means a ton to me, so please know how much I appreciate your support. And I very much enjoy your stories. You and I seem to be magnets for weird! Ha!

      And I admire your political stance online – shit is real messy out there right now and you just don’t know for sure who’s side anybody is on. Post one sensible comment and the next thing you know someone is threatening to light your grandma on fire. IT’S FUCKING MADNESS!

      Read that book, you will get a kick out of it. Samantha made my jaw hit the floor a few times! Haha. She leaves it all on the table.

      Thanks again, Ari! You will always be my hero ?

  10. Di

    Hello Tanya…
    Wow, I could feel such strong and raw emotion in your post.
    Reading about Leanne and her work is inspiring. I’ll check out her Instagram site. Dear little Lawson there in the photo…

    It upsets me seeing you full of such self loathing at times. I know, we all feel this way from time to time, but we see such a talented and gracious person…

    I was very happy to see your conclusion that yes, we can choose to make each day what we want it to be from our decisions.
    Hoping you will not forget the special, entertaining, inspiring person that you are….
    Hugs to you, my friend ??

    • the incurable dreamer

      Hi Di,
      Please do follow the Goats of Anarchy. Leanne is an amazing woman, and her goats have changed my life. Because of her and all of them, I am now a vegetarian. The Goats of Anarchy is one of the organizations I donate to because I believe in her so much. Next year I plan to volunteer there for a few days, and I already can’t wait!

      Thank you for saying such wonderful things about me, you really are the sweetest person ever!

      You know Di, my road has not been an easy one. Pain has accompanied me my whole life. But I am so grateful for the whacky brain I was blessed with because it allows me to laugh through it. And the other thing I am grateful for is everything pain has taught me. I wouldn’t change it for anything; it has helped me become who I am. It may sometimes seem like I am not a fan of me, but I promise this – there is no one I would rather be. Sometimes I do lose my confidence and allow the pain in my heart to cloud my vision, which then allows the doubt to creep in. Luckily, though, when that happens, I always seem to find a way out. Thank god for that. Unfortunately, the doubt and self-loathing will probably always be along for the ride, but this ride is indeed a hell of a good one, and I never for a second forget how blessed I am to be on it.

      It is because of people like you that I can pull up my bootstraps and piece myself back together when it happens. Please know your support means everything to me. Thank you for hopping aboard this train wreck that is sometimes my life. I am sure many things I have written have made you shake your head. haha. But the fact that you stay the course means so very much to me! xo

      • Di

        Hello my friend… yes! I call you that. I smiled at your last paragraph and I’m still here for sure. I felt like we connected from the beginning and although we may have different lives and styles of writing, it’s the essence of who we are that I see. Dreamers unite too, I say!
        I see you have been through a lot and really, you are happy being who you are. I understand those days you mentioned and you are still in recovery mode so you may be ready to take on the world but..not quite. I know very soon you can.

        No, I don’t shake my head at you Tanya… we never know what someone is going through or has been through. You show us all love and kindness…and that’s all that matters to me…????

        • the incurable dreamer

          I just love ya, Di! You have been here since the beginning and though our writing is so different, at our core we are the same. And I am so thankful to have you by my side. Dreamers unite, indeed! Hope you have a good day today! ❤️

          • Di

            Hello my friend… thank you for your beautiful reply…yes, as you have been with me since the beginning too. Loyalty like that means so much to me.
            And, thank you it was a lovely day ???

      • Di

        …oh I forgot to mention that I am now following Goats of anarchy. What a special site… and thank you for your lovely and honest reply! I was a little carried away and left that out too ????

        • the incurable dreamer

          It is such a special site and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! We are friends Di, and I can’t wait to sit down and talk with you one day! ?

          • Di

            I can see why you can’t wait to volunteer next year with those dear little goats, dear Tanya. You have a heart of gold.
            And me too… I can’t wait either ??

  11. Love that song!!! I am so thankful for you and your post! You are brave for being so honest and putting words to depression to lessen it’s power over us! Love that your world has the light back in it.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Sarah, thank you so much. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am rambling on about, and am not even sure it makes sense, but I just try to keep it as honest as possible. Depression isn’t something any of us should be ashamed of, so I am happy my words present an opportunity to lessen that ridiculous stigma. Sometimes I just sit and cry for no particular reason…AND I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY IT!!! haha. Thanks so much, Sarah! xo

  12. You can WRITE sister and you are FUNNY! 😀 This beautiful, heart warming, soul touching, belly tickling post is proof of that! Thank you for sharing such real, honest words. I am sure many can relate to ‘days like these’ – warm grateful hugs coming your way xx

    • the incurable dreamer

      Hayley, you are an absolute doll. THANK YOU for saying all of this. I think we all struggle from time to time, and my hope is that by documenting my struggles, it will inspire others and show them that they too can find their way through the darkness and back to the light. And that they are not alone. Hugs right back to you! Hope you are having a great day! ?

  13. Tanya, this is just the song for such days – full volume, bopping badly round the room! This is one of the most open, rawly honest post I’ve read, having gone through days like this, I was there with you. Just wanting to share a bit of this crazy life whilst finding its equilibrium and being able to let the beauty of the world shine into our souls again. Let the light shine around, let the good people close and for goodness sake, don’t look too much at Twitter. Take care, hugs xx

    • the incurable dreamer

      Oh, Annika, I love this comment. Thank you. So much. The only thing I know to do when the fog doesn’t lift is to write it out. And I am so blessed to have so many people who are here to support me when it settles in for too long. The light is once again shining, and beauty is all around. Life really is good! Oh, and I learned my lesson about Twitter! haha. So good to hear from you, Annika!! Thanks again! Have a fabulous trip! Big hug to you! xo

  14. Ok. I’m on summer break so I’ve stripped off my cleverness for just distracted nods while I swing on the hammock but I had to stop in and tell you that I love this and I love you. This is not a dark post even if it did come from a dark place so hold on to that. Sometimes that’s all we need; something to float us down the river when we’re too tired to swim. Did you know you can get floaties that look like giant sprinkled donuts??? What are you waiting for Missy??? Go enjoy your summer <3

    • the incurable dreamer

      Reading this comment while I was sipping coffee this morning was the perfect way to begin my day. I love you so much and appreciate every word you have written here and am holding on dearly to each one. Thank you, for being incredible you and for being here with me. And I am no longer waiting, this party is about to get started, and I promise, it is going to be goddamn amazing! Thank you, thank you. You always make me smile so huge, and I absolutely adore you! Hope you are enjoying the hammock and the days of summer! xo

  15. It’s a roller coaster, isn’t it? Hope today is a good day! 🙂 🙂

    • the incurable dreamer

      It sure is, Jo. Today is indeed a good day!! Thank you! ?

  16. I’m glad you choose to still see the bright side. 🙂 We all have those down moments…sometimes even for no apparent reasons…but it’s okay to cry and feel mad and not be able to explain why. Eventually, when the heightened emotions are all gone and we get just settle and listen to our heart, it’ll tell us why it’s sad and will let you know how to mend it. 🙂
    I hope you’re feeling much much better this time…

    Warm Hugs,
    Nina 🙂

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you, Nina. Sometimes you just have to feel because it is meant to teach you something, that is what I believe anyway. Even if it hurts. Luckily, when I get lost in a funk, I fight my way back by never losing sight of the bright side. Your encouragement is very much appreciated, and I could not agree with you more! And I am feeling SO much better. YAY! 🙂

  17. Hello! Just dropped by to say that you ARE funny, you CAN write, you DON’t suck, and LOTS of people want to listen to what you have to say. Look at all your comments girlfriend! Oh look – a squirrel! Do you like TV? Sometimes there aren’t enough rocks.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Marlies, you are so awesome! Thank you, thank you! And your comment is another reason why I love you so much. You made me laugh my ass off. Goddamn, I love your brain! HAHA! Thank you!!!

  18. CarrieAnne

    Hi Tanya: I found your blog because I read a comment by you on TheBloggess and you were so articulate that I clicked on your link…that’s right, you sucked me right into this little universe. It’s a bit weird that I’m commenting on this post that isn’t even new, but I was just so enthralled at how you put this “funk” into words. I’m positive many experience this feeling and could never express it as you did. I have anxiety that is fairly well managed but I’ve had some health issues that make the really ugly side rear its head sometimes. That stress just piles on until you need to either scream bloody murder at someone or find a little slice of heaven like you did, where you find you can breathe normally again and the brain cells release their death grip on the negative. So thanks for finding the words; they really inspire people to feel like part of your tribe. P.S. I am a humongous Harry Potter nerd as well. ?

    • the incurable dreamer

      CarrieAnne, I am absolutely moved right now by your comment. It means so much to me because it is my desire to reach people with my words by being as honest and open as possible, so to know that you relate to them means absolutely everything. Jenny Lawson has inspired me in so many ways and has shown me that there is no shame in struggling with your mind, and that it is so vital that those of us who do struggle, share our experiences to inspire and encourage others. It is not possible to overcome it alone, and there are so many out there we can lean on to help us get through the thick of it. I honestly can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write this to me. That post I wrote was one that I hesitated publishing, but I am so thankful I did because it provided a little inspiration. I hope your health issues resolve themselves, and I also hope that when anxiety shows itself once again, you find something beautiful to hold onto and win the battle. Knowing that there is an army of us tackling this beast side by side, gives me so much hope and brings so much light to my life. And you are a Harry Potter nerd to top it off? Girl, we are definitely in the same tribe!! Thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. ❤️

  19. So, I am slowly (cause that’s just how I do everything) going through your posts and every new piece I read makes me admire you more. You say so many of the things I want to say, but you do it with a beauty and grace that I can only aspire to. I feel like I have been given a gift in finding you and your writing; you make me want to be a better writer and a better person. When I read this sentence, “Her ability to make me laugh and break my heart all at the same time was heroic.”, I wanted to tell you that this is exactly what I have been trying to say to you; it is what you do with your writing. You really do just absolutely blow me away! You know I love that you love Potter and i just want to say that I will cast Expecto Patronum any time you need some of that darkness chased away. (and, yes, I did just write that super cheesy thing….).

    • the incurable dreamer

      Wow. Susan, I don’t even know how to respond to this comment. You have no idea how much this means to me, not only as a writer but as a person. My hope is always that my writing reflects the person I am. Over the past four years, through death, love, heartbreak, and loss, I have learned many things, and have transformed. I have become a person I am very proud of. Every day my goal is to breathe and to look around and see beauty in everything. I want each day to mean something. I never want to stop learning and growing, and want to be the best person I can possibly be. In the end, I want to be able to look back, void of regret and be thankful for the life I have lived. So, what’s my point? Well, everything I write also has to have meaning and purpose. Without question, it has to mean something because it is like I am putting a piece of my soul on paper every time I write something. So, for you to be affected by the words I write, the way that you are, makes me feel like I am actually doing something right. Lately, I have felt like I am letting myself down, I don’t know why. It just feels like I haven’t acknowledged the beauty around me quite enough, that things have been a little dark and that I am disconnected. But like a guardian angel, you have come along and have picked me up. You have restored my belief that even when things are a little dark, there is still light. You have helped me in ways you can’t even imagine, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are a little piece of magic. Without even knowing, you have already cast Expecto Patronum. And in case you hadn’t noticed, I totally love cheesy! You are a beautiful person, my friend. xo

  20. You are an amazing and generous person, and even when you feel disconnected, you are still soaring courageously because that is the nature of your heart. I am grateful that we can inspire and support each other, and for this friendship we are forging.

    • the incurable dreamer

      You have no idea how grateful I am as well. Your friendship is a gift, one I treasure. To know that we have each other to lean on is incredibly comforting and inspiring. Susan, it takes a kind heart to know another. So glad we have found each other.

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