the incurable dreamer

writing my way from misery bliss, one ridiculous story at a time

the incurable potty mouth

**WARNING ** This post has the potential to offend absolutely everyone.

My name is Tanya.  It has been 17 fucking seconds since I last uttered a swear word.

The other night I was out with my friend, and we were sitting on a patio tucked in amongst other patrons and beautifully arranged hanging baskets, and were talking and drinking as the hot summer sun went down. It was all very picturesque. We ordered another (totally unnecessary) round of drinks, and I have no doubt (so. much. doubt.) that by this point I was talking about something very profound and being exceedingly clever (I so wasn’t). But as I was sharing my wisdom with her, I suddenly became acutely aware of all the fucks that were rolling off my tongue, and stopped mid-sentence, looked at her and said, ‘I swear a lot.’ She looked at me with a look of duh-you-totally-do-dummy, and said, ‘Yeah, you do!’  But then just as quickly, looking utterly perplexed she said, ‘Why the fuck wouldn’t you swear? It’s super fun.’  For so many reasons we are friends, but right then, at that moment, I knew exactly why we are. She not only helped me feel better about my untamed potty mouth, but she made me laugh.

Since the other night, though, I have been asking myself a few things. Do I need to cut back on the liberty I take in just swearing whenever the hell I want?  I mean, is it fair that everyone has to be subjected to the real-life version of Scarface, minus all the murder, every time I am in their presence? The truth is, I don’t even know I am swearing anymore, it’s just like breathing, if I didn’t do it I would totally die.

At work several months ago, I came into the office, and some guy had disassembled my desk to put in a new one that is supposed to be good for my back. Later on, after he had finished putting in the new one and had left, my co-worker and I had a conversation that confirmed I had hit rock bottom on the awareness scale.

Him:  ‘Tanya. Do you know what you said to him?’

Me: ‘Umm, no. What did I say?’

Him: ‘You said, son of a bitch when he said he was taking your shelf!’

Me: ‘I CALLED HIM A SON OF A BITCH?’

Me to myself: ‘WHAAAAAT??’

Him: ‘No, you just said, son of a bitch.’

Me: ‘DOES HE THINK I CALLED HIM A SON OF A BITCH?’

Me to myself: ‘OH FUCK.’

Him: ‘No. I think he just thought it was funny.’

But there it was.  One of my colleagues from another department may or may not have thought I called him a son of a bitch and may or may not have been making his way to HR to report me, and I was clueless to the entire exchange.

He didn’t report me to HR.  But every time I see him now, I grossly overcompensate for my blunder by basically falling just short of inviting him to my house for tea and crumpets.  Oddly, I am having a harder time catching up to him these days; it’s like he is walking a whole lot faster.  I may still get reported.

Then last week I was yacking away with my co-workers, most likely all fired up about that shit-stain who claims to have won the popular vote, when I dropped a sentence riddled with an alarmingly high number of f-bombs and other expletives.  But I caught myself, and turned to my new colleague, and apologized for my mouth.  He laughed, and said, ‘It’s okay. I think it’s hilarious.’  But inside my head, I was like, is it? 

So this brings me back to my need for pause.  For some reason, I feel like a walking contradiction these days. Because despite my incessant need to curse as though my life depends on it, I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON, with a huge heart, who cares very deeply, but it feels like one doesn’t seem to go with the other.  Is it possible for me to exist with these two distinctly different parts but still be the ‘me’ I want to be?

Since I was in high school, I have cursed, but never at the level of legendary.  What in the hell happened to make me this way?  I needed to know.  So, I have spent the last couple of days going back in time, to find the source.  And I found it.

It began four years ago when all semblance of order in my life disappeared, and left me reeling, holding on for dear life, alone inside my head begging day in and day out for a reprieve from the soul-crushing pain.  Sound dramatic?  It was.

To cope, I found solace in words – my way to combat the relentless ache.  And on the days I found myself sitting alone crying in my car, or on my couch too paralyzed to move, I swore.  I swore out loud.  I swore inside my head.  Over and over again, I swore.  Each time I said ‘Fuck’ with forceful intention, it was as though I was keeping the monster inside me at bay.  Over and over again, I swore.

As the years have gone on, I have changed.  For the better.  I am confident, have belief in myself, love with all my might, and for the first time in my life understand what it truly means to be happy.  I guess you could say; I get it.  Whatever ‘it’ is.  I just fucking get it.

So as I sit here now examining these two parts of myself, I realize that without one I wouldn’t have the other.  On those dark days, I found a way to keep reaching for extraordinary, and a place where I would once again feel the sun.  And though I did it by using words that make most people cringe, they helped me find my way back to the light.  They are as much a part of me as the air I breathe.  Today – I know extraordinary.

Do I, however, condone calling your co-worker a son of a bitch?  I DO NOT.  I repeat, do not call your co-worker that thing. Ever.

So what’s my message here today?  Well, suppose it’s this.  This blog, my text messages, emails, and conversations won’t be filled with good golly’s and oh fiddle sticks; they will be laced with words that not only represent the battle I won but the person I am today.  In between the shit’s and goddamn’s, though, you will find humour, love, appreciation, and gratitude for each of you – because I feel all those things and so much more.

To all of you who stick with me and accept every part of me…thank you.

Really, just thank you – so fucking much.

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41 Comments

  1. Fabulous post. Swearing doesn’t bother me terribly much in normal conversation (I have a Y Gen son). Be You, what else can you be?

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much, Barbara. In this crazy world, the only thing we can do is just that – be ourselves!! xo

  2. I relate to this post on a spiritual level, especially swearing at work and not realizing. I was reprimanded at my old job by our department head because he could hear me swearing from two offices over. Oops. In my defense, I was going through A Lot Of Shit at the time and venting to my direct superior (who also had a foul mouth, but didn’t have the natural carry my voice does).

    Swearing is fucking awesome. I feel like the world would be a much better place if more people swore when I really needed to, instead of keeping it all bottled up.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Wouldn’t everyone be so much happier if they could just drop a goddamn motherfucker without feeling like they are going to go to hell for eternity?? And that is insane that you got reprimanded at work for cursing while you were venting! It’s not like you took the company credit card and hightailed it to Europe for fashion week or something crazy like that. People are weird, so those of us who know the power of profanity just need to stay the course – we will rule in the end!

  3. I am the son of a part time southern preacher. Swearing was a capital offense in my home. At the least it got your mouth washed out with soap. More often it got you a belt or switch to the backside. Then I became a sailor and I learned how to swear very fucking well. So I say you be you. Fuck the rest of ’em! I’m sure desk installer dude will get over it.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ari, you are the best! Wow, you had it rough growing up as the son of a southern preacher! My god, I would have been right there with you chugging bottles of soap had I grown up the same. They are just words, right? If you aren’t calling anybody anything and use them for expressing yourself, who the fuck cares!! I am sure the installer dude will get over it, but Jesus, what if he had been a part time preacher? Ha! I might have been hauled into somebody’s office somewhere!!

  4. jono51

    Well, fuck.

  5. Di

    Hello dear Tanya!
    Yes, ‘dear’!
    I don’t mind your use of whatever language you prefer to express your journey, as I know what a very soft centre you have and how kind and generous you are.
    That’s what I see.
    You are not a peanut brittle, but a peppermint creme inside…
    Another wonderful post with insight into the real you… thank you…Di 🙏🏼🙋🏻💕

    • the incurable dreamer

      Di, thank you so much for understanding and believing in me. It truly means everything to know that you do. When I decided to fight for myself, it did it by whatever means necessary, and look at me now. I no longer exist in that dark place that threatened my spirit and soul. It’s bright in here now, and surrounding me are people like you who constantly push me to be better! Truly, I am so very blessed. Lots of love to you, Di! ❤️

      • Di

        Hello again my friend,
        Yes, I do very much appreciate your journey and I need sunglasses to look at you now…all that darkness has made you shine brilliantly and we are all learning through you how to make the best of times. I’m actually holding a gift someone gave me with some words I think you’d love. I’ll send it over in a message.
        I don’t mean to push you, by the way! You don’t need any pushing…you have everything you need right there, lovely you!
        Much love 💐💜

        • the incurable dreamer

          Thanks again, Di, it was very special to receive that from you and I hope you know just how much I appreciated it. See, there’s that teacher part of you again…
          💕

  6. Fuck, this was such a good post Tanya. When my mum had brain surgery a couple of years ago and everything went pear shaped I was so angry for so long that I started swearing. It became my release and while these days I’ve eased up I still let out lots of colorful words when I feel intensely about something (which is a lot!). Seriously, the world would be a much better place if we were all as honest and heartfelt as you. It doesn’t make us worse people, it makes us raw, authentic and ourselves. Awesome post. xo

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much, Miriam. It is difficult for me to put into words just how much it means to me that you can relate to this post so deeply. You are someone I respect enormously, and to know that you too found the same solace during a time of adversity, makes me feel like I am doing something right in this life. And that the choices I make really are ok. Since the very first word of yours I ever read, you have inspired me, and you have once again today. From the bottom of my heart, Miriam, thank you…so, so much. 😘

  7. Aw, your words really touched me deeply Tanya. You know you’re pretty amazing too and you’ve inspired me as well so put yourself in that category too. Swear words or not, we’re all in this together. xo 🙂

  8. Oh yeah, I absofuckinglutely get it. For me, swearing has become like breathing. Yeah, I couldn’t do it underwater, seeing as how I couldn’t fucking breathe there, so the fish are safe from my f-bombs! 😀 But as for the people in the world, well, let’s just say that I’ve become known as the Gordon Ramsay of my area!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Gale, you are awesome!! If you figure out how to swear under water, please let me know! Ha! Here is what I know about Gordon Ramsay…he has an immensely foul mouth, but apparently has an incredibly huge heart and is a very kind man. My friend’s sister worked for him, and he helped her get a job, and a visa and looked out for her. So, I think there is something to this don’t you think? Us potty mouths need to stick together – we might just change the world! xo

  9. Tanya,
    I am married to a construction worker…swearing IS my second language! If the word “Fuck” didn’t exist, I may not have anything to say at all! Thankfully my work place is also in the “construction” industry so a few curse words here and there are no big deal.
    I say swearing is just another expression of a person. It puts stress on a subject of a sentence so that people really get how passionate you are! No need to censor yourself, you are just really REALLY passionate!

    you need this: https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Sleeve-Cotton-V-Neck-T-Shirt/dp/B01M5BSYYT/ref=sr_1_12?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1502112276&sr=1-12&nodeID=7147440011&psd=1&keywords=fuck
    or this: https://www.amazon.com/Looking-Intelligent-Elegant-Well-Read-T-Shirt/dp/B00MJLK7II/ref=sr_1_1?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1502112349&sr=1-1&nodeID=7147440011&psd=1&keywords=say+fuck+a+lot

    And wear them proudly!!!

    By the way, I fucking love you!! LOL

    Sarah

    • the incurable dreamer

      Sarah, THANK YOU. We most certainly do not need to censor ourselves as long as we are not mean and hurtful, right? You can’t tell me that at least once Mother Teresa didn’t drop a ‘what in the fuck?’ with everything her eyes witnessed in this world! It makes me so happy that you and I speak the same language. I should have known, though, you and I kind of think the same about everything else.

      Those shirts need to be mine. So amazing! I would wear those with my head held high. HA!

      And I fucking love you too!!!! xoxo

  10. You are kind of freaking me out. I have been thinking about this on and off for like a month. Soo eerie. Ok on one hand, I read this study that people who swear more are more intelligent and creative. Why do I swear a lot? Because I am a genius! No. Actually, it’s because I have this massive distaste and distrust of “rules” especially rules as they relate to “properness” It goes hand in hand with shame, disingenuousness, secretiveness, and stigma. I don’t like to pretend. What if my inner and outer voice said ” this simply won’t do” opposed to “Fuck.That! Not in my house motherfucker!” like you, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today without swearing. I like the power and the passion and the realness that cursing affords me.This was another brilliant post Tanya. You make us think, and feel and laugh and love you so much.
    https://damngirlgetyourshittogether.com/

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ok, so here’s the thing. Your perspective is one that I greatly admire. You don’t alter your voice for anyone, and I have such mad respect for you because you just lay it all out there. I also know that you have been places, dark places, but despite the hurdles you have had to overcome, you choose to see the positive rather than dwell on the past. And look at you now, so focused and driven and on the cusp of making a dream come true. You inspire me to keep pushing towards my dreams, and it thrills me to know we are working towards all of this together. If you promise never to change, I promise you the same. I expect nothing less than a ‘not in my house motherfucker’ to come out of your mouth because that realness and your big heart are what I love about you so much. You and me babe – together this is going to be real fun. I love the absolute hell out you, and can’t wait for our buttons! xoxo

  11. Just a fucking awesome post, Tanya. Calling coworkers sons of bitches is probably not a good idea (especially if you’re not even aware of it), but the rest of your days and nights are yours, as is this blog, and you’re so fucking funny and real, you can say what you want and your followers will keep tuning in.
    Here’s a treat for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eujTLnCSgJs

    • the incurable dreamer

      Diana, I just love you so much! Thank you for saying this to me, it means so much to know I am not alone and that people understand where I am coming from. I don’t hurt people, and practice kindness (hence my fear I called a man a son of a bitch! 😩), but we should feel safe to express ourselves in a way that helps us heal or cope. Right? Hopefully I didn’t scare anybody off with this one, and perhaps even helped someone feel more comfortable with who they are!

      I watched your video. I died. SO FUNNY! That one is getting shared! 😂 Thank you for sending me the link.

      Thanks again for being wonderful you! xo

  12. I think my comment was spammed. Fucking WP. 😀

  13. HAHAH! you’d be so much fun to hang out with. enjoyed this!

  14. Tanya, I cuss like a motherfucking sailor, too! I’ve had friends and plenty of dates call me out on it, and I have no shame. If a potential partner doesn’t like me because I cuss incessantly, then he can move the fuck along.

    I’ve actually read studies that say there is a link between cussing and intelligence, so, there you have it – the smarter you are, the more you cuss! We’re just a couple of geniuses 🙂

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! You and I must be two of the most intelligent people in the world!! And I love the way you roll. I am a firm believer in staying true to yourself and never changing just to please someone – so I admire you so much for that! Thank you for making me feel like a genius today, by the way! And for your perfectly awesome comment! I did have to save you from Spam – but right along with everyone else. HA! You are the best!

  15. Are my comments posting on here!?

  16. Damnation! I wrote you this beautiful comment and wordpress failed to send it! It went something like this: We are building something beautiful together and one day soon you and I will be splitting a bottle of champagne, letting the F-bombs freely drop from our mouths as other drinkers look on at us, horrified.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Sounds perfectly delightful – I can’t wait for that day, Tiara! So much, I adore you. xo

      Ps…WP is such a fickle bastard!

  17. My F-bomb meter went totally TILT when my oldest hit about 18. I just ceased to care. It was such a relief. And it IS super fun.

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! If I had an 18-year-old I would be so much worse than I am now – probably good thing I don’t have kids. Sometimes we just have to surrender to that which we cannot control. Swearing is a huge stress relief!!!

      Good to hear from you!! 😊

  18. hehehe I TRIED to cuss just a little bit, but it got sent to the SPAM folder. so lets just pretend that all the juicy words are spilling in here. I don’t swear very often. I’ve spent decades forcing mysefel to be too precise and authority-ish with my words. So when I do get the chance, it still feels deliciously dirty. Like a new habit. I’m still a profanity rookie.

    But with you as my teacher, I’m totally ready to learn 😉

    • the incurable dreamer

      Gabe, I adore you. To be honest, you come across as an absolute gentleman, and I imagine you would stop someone dead in their tracks if you just randomly started throwing in ‘fucks’ to your everyday conversations. ‘Hey, Gary, what the fuck are you doing today, man?’ Gary is now dead. HA! That is how I see it.

      The world needs people like you to keep offenders like me in check. However, there are moments when there is no other option than getting a little dirty! Right?!

      And I promise if you ever find yourself in need of an arsenal of curse words, I am the master and will teach you, my son.

      • hehehe I’ve gotta tell Monica that… Its been quite awhile since I’ve been called an absolute gentleman;)

        And sounds like we make a good team. *Blogger Twin Powers activate!*
        (don’t know WHY I can’t shake the wonder twin references… maybe I need to grab a drink, OR go for another hike 😉 )

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