the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them my only option

i’m sorry, i’m sorry

Hi, guys.  I wrote a new blog post. Thought maybe you might want to read it.  But don’t feel like you have to, I mean unless you really want to?  I don’t know if you do or don’t, but if you don’t, it’s so not a big deal.  If you do read it, not assuming you will in any way, I do hope you like it.  If you don’t like it, totally cool with that too, I don’t really expect anyone to like it.  So, no worries at all!!  And, of course, that’s assuming you want to read it and do.  Like I said, no biggie either way.  Anyway, I am really sorry for bothering you.

******************************************************************************

I am failing at life right now.  Like at every turn, I am failing…miserably.  This is not hyperbole; I have been a fucking disaster.

Last week I got yelled at by an incredibly irate woman because I wasn’t paying attention in my car, and did something stupid that ruined her day, week and guessing by the expletives she unleashed, her entire life!  Undoubtedly, she has informed her family that Christmas is canceled this year, and every year, going forward, thanks to me. Anyway, it was a low point, because, without question, I am the most cautious driver on the planet.  I have been ticketed twice in my life, once for turning right and once for turning left. Apparently each time I had turned outside designated turning hours – and both times I drove straight into a sting. Like, what in the good goddamn hell is that about?  Were all the drug dealers on strike that day?  Taking naps perhaps?  The point is, me being yelled at while driving my car is irony to the max.  It was also a sign that I needed to get a grip…real quick.

You see, when I arrived home from New York and was making my off the plane, it was with a bit of New York City swagger – I was ready to grab life by the balls and run with it, full-fucking-steam ahead.  I was feeling good.  What I hadn’t anticipated, though, was being met at the arrivals gate by an old friend.  But there she was, just waiting, leaning casually against a wall, looking thoroughly pleased with herself when I had finally acknowledged her presence.  On the asshole scale, she ranks near the top, so I was less than thrilled to see her standing there.

Me: ‘What are you doing here?’

Her: ‘Aww, don’t look so sad to see me.  I missed you.’

Me: ‘Well, now that you’ve seen me, feel free to leave.’

Her: ‘Oh sweetie, I’m here for you.  I’m not going anywhere.’

There wasn’t anything left for me to say; I knew damn well she wasn’t.  So I just glared at her and made my way out of the terminal with her trailing close behind, skipping like an obnoxious schoolgirl.

She and I were briefly introduced to each other when I was 14, just long enough for me to learn the calming effect of obsessive cleaning.  We then met again and became inseparable when I was 19.  As I entered adulthood, with her influence, it was with the belief that I wasn’t normal and that there was something broken inside me that would never be fixed.  I also knew, that at all costs, I had to keep my relationship with her hidden.

So, though we have been friends for years, I rarely talk about her and still do my best to keep our relationship under wraps.  She’s that friend.  The one who mortifies you in public, who shames you and makes you apologize over.  And over.  And over again.  She cares not an ounce about your well-being, only herself.  As I said, she is a first-class asshole.  I do know, though, that I am by no means special, some of you are also friends with her, and probably already know who I am talking about.  Her name is Anxiety.  Yeah…her.

For the last four weeks, she and I have been locked in battle.  When lying awake in bed at night, I wonder how long it will take for someone to find my corpse when I inexplicably drop off the face of the earth because she has finally managed to kill me.  Then I worry about not being able to apologize to the person who has to deal with my messy stench.  I mean, hopefully, I can send whoever it is an apology, like a sign from the afterlife.  Maybe a goat on a sidewalk wearing a cardigan with the word ‘sorry’ embroidered on it?  They’ll see the goat and totally know it’s me, right?  Surely they will!  Without knowing, though, what options will be available to me to communicate my ‘I AM SO SORRY, I AM SO DEAD, AND YOU HAD TO CLEAN ME UP’ message, from the afterlife, it’s just too risky to die.  So I lay there at night, and I fight.

And I am fighting now.

I fight to pick up the phone and make the call I know I should, but can’t.  I fight the panic and dread I quietly carry inside me.  I fight the thoughts that tell me everyone is too busy.  I fight the apologies I feel I need to give for daring to reach out to you.  I fight to keep breathing when the weight on my chest tells me I can’t.  I fight my compulsion to destroy you and me, by refusing to believe.  I fight to believe.  I fight the disappointment I feel from disappointing you.  I fight to know it’s okay to tell someone; I’m not okay.  And I fight to feel normal.

And I do it all alone.

But a few days ago, I opened up to my friend about how I was feeling and the effect it was having on me.  It was an awakening of sorts because she told me that she is also struggling, along with some other people she knows.  And she asked me, ‘Why does life just seem so constantly hard?  I don’t understand.  Are we just in that cycle?’  And my response was this.  ‘Life can never just be easy, it has to be messy and fucked up, but I suppose that is what makes us bloom, right?  You can’t see true beauty unless you have known darkness.  It would be nice to have a reprieve though, a little break from it all.  Maybe it’s a cycle, or maybe it’s the ripple effect of a world gone mad.  I don’t know.  We just have to keep breathing and moving forward the best we can.’  The answer I gave her is what I believe to be true.  And I know she does as well.

So, that is what she and I are doing.  We are breathing.  We are moving forward.  And we are doing the absolute best we can.  And shit, isn’t that enough?  It has to be because there is nothing beyond our best.

When I began writing this post I had no clue where I was going with it or even what I was trying to say; I just knew I had to write the words down and hope that they form something meaningful.  It certainly wasn’t for anyone to feel bad for me, don’t you dare.  That’s not my point.  I am lucky.  I am blessed.  And I am beyond grateful.  My eyes and soul know beauty, and my heart feels and loves, deeply.  Indeed, I am blessed.

But I have realized, that too busy is only in my head and that there is no shame in talking about what threatens my well-being.  There is a demon inside me, and I will battle her for the rest of my life, but I do not have to do it in silence, or alone.

None of us do.  That’s my point.

In the wake of incomprehensible horror and loss, I have been reminded once again of the value of each moment and the importance of being present.

So, today I am breathing, I am moving forward, and I am doing my very best.

I am close, you guys.  She is fading.  But until she is gone, please know…

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Previous

new york state of mind

Next

the sticky side always goes down

99 Comments

  1. What the hell?? Shit, we’re sorry too! Is there a point to this? Sorry to be so blunt, but we all have problems. WordPress seems to be filling with more and more self pity posts. Woe is me. I have enough fucking problems of my own and sure as help don’t go on and on about them here. Sorry if this offends you but you asked for comments.

    • Umm, sir. It’s her blog. I Think there may be kinder, more productive ways to spend your time than telling a talented writer, who is clearly having a hard time, what she should or shouldn’t write. We all do have problems, clearly, and I can speak from experience as both a reader and a writer, sometimes it helps tremendously to know we are all in this together and someone can relate… and god forbid we take advantage of the opportunity to reach out and support people and just fucking be kind. Alternatively, we can choose to be judgmental and fault others for speaking their truth and expressing their feelings (quite articulately and with an inspiring, hilarious sense of humor woven in, I might add) on their own fucking blog!
      Sorry to be so blunt…

    • Wow, no one made you read it WaltPage! RUDE! There are many people that are helped by people speaking about their depression, anxiety, personal problems. If you don’t want to read those post…then DON’T!

    • I will use your own words from your own web page: “Can we handle the terrible people and events we run into along the way.” Yes, we can. But apparently you cannot, without coming off like a self-righteous, Ayn Randian, compassion-free curmudgeon. I feel sorry for you.

  2. Somehow I knew you wouldn’t approve my comment.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks for pointing it out, Walt. It went to spam so it didn’t come through. Sorry my post offended you so deeply, but appreciate your opinion. Hope you find what you are looking for with another blog!

  3. I see you, you gorgeous girl! I see you walking into the room holding yourself together with a big smile on your face, laughing off the gaping hole in your heart….”what, this little thing? It’s nothing! It’s just a scratch…business as usual”
    I admire your strength and this post, quite honestly is just perfection, but I hope you remember, if you want to come hide out and just ugly cry while cuddling kittens I will love you just the same. You’re not failing at life Tanya. Your anxiety is lying to you and I’ll remind you of that any time you need it.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Each time your name pops up on my blog I light up on the inside. Your words always make me feel happy but also seen and understood. You just get it, and I appreciate that about so very much. Thank you for that. Anxiety is a beast. It has made my life challenging in ways I could never have imagined, but it has also shaped me. I am the person I am today because of it, and, well, I am pretty damn grateful for that. So, I wouldn’t change a thing, except that next time I am trying to keep it together, I would much prefer to join you to ugly cry with some kittens. That sounds like the perfect medicine to me! I adore you, and it was so good to hear from you. I see you have a new blog post up! Hooray! Going to get caught up with you today. Lots of love. xo

  4. Kim

    It takes a lot of courage to open up so fully to the scrutiny of others. That is to be admired. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing there are others who feel the same and can relate. And if I’m not stepping over the mark, apparently this is a great book on anxiety: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34210334-first-we-make-the-beast-beautiful
    xx

    • the incurable dreamer

      Kim, thank you so much! Not only for your kind and encouraging words but your book recommendation. I appreciate both very much. I have added the book to my ‘Want to Read’ list and am going to look at it some more today. Anytime someone offers support; it can never be considered stepping over the mark, it can only be seen as caring, which I know you do. Thank you, darling! xo

  5. Girl you have NOTHING to apologize for! Please please please know that while your “friend” makes you feel completely alone, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Try that Calm app I posted about…it has been awesome for me. Your friends near, far, and online are all here for you. Take a deep breath and push that bitchy friend in the nearest mud puddle!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Sarah, I totally forgot about that Calm app you talked about a while ago. I am going to check it out today, thanks for the reminder!! And I know I am not alone, I really do. Beautiful people like you are surrounding me… so how lucky am I?! So lucky!

      Dammit, we are getting a blast of late summer here, so no mud puddles. Going to throw that bitch in front of a bus later today…too much? Ha! I love you, girl!! xo

      • Nope, not too much at all! I will hope for a BIG bus with super sized tires and really heavy riders just for you! Love ya back! Xoxo

  6. Anonymous

    I think this is incredibly well written and I too have the same “best/worst” friend. Blogging is a place to share life’s shit. It breeds humanity and community. Things we need much more of these days. Well done. ??

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you so much, it makes me so happy that you enjoyed my post. Humanity and community seem to be in short supply these days so I couldn’t agree with you more. The blogging world, in my opinion, is magic. Here you find like-minded people who ‘usually’ offer only support and encouragement – I do consider it to be a magic kingdom of sorts, and I am so blessed and thankful to be a part of it. So many of us share a relationship with this ‘best/worst’ friend, and it feels good to know we are not alone. Thanks again for your support and encouraging words.

  7. I think it’s brilliant, and honest, and deeply speaks to each and every one of us. We all struggle with uncertainty, particularly now when, as humans, we have so much more free time and so many more expectations heaped upon us by the infinite forms of media in our lives. We see the fake worlds of others on TV, in movies, on Facebook, and there is so much more to compare ourselves to than any other culture that ever lived in any other time.

    We’re all a mess.

    I applaud anyone with the courage to admit it.

    You are right, dreamer, we are not alone. We are all in this together and every single person here is a fucking disaster, too. Especially the ones who don’t want you to talk about it. 😉

    • the incurable dreamer

      Tom, I can’t tell you how much your comment means to me. We are all a mess, and we try so hard to pretend that we aren’t and then when we struggle we feel bad for saying so. The expectations are overwhelming, and the horror and madness thrust upon us day after day via TV and social media are enough to make none of us ever want to get out of bed again. How all of us aren’t eating Xanax 3 meals a day is a wonder. And I agree, we should talk about it, because by doing so we find the strength and encouragement we need to keep fucking breathing and moving forward. Goddammit, it’s ok not to be ok! Thank you. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

      And sorry, you got tossed into Spam, I really need to figure that out.

      • No worries on that last part, my blog stills throws people in the trash every week … it’s not our fault! ?

        Thank you again for such a brilliant and honest post!

  8. Ok, so I wrote to you in this comment box and it seems to have disappeared and if it didn’t actually disappear and this is a second note to you, please forgive my lack of technical prowess. I am going to try and tell you what I wrote earlier, but it won’t be exactly the same. Anyway, here goes….

    I woke up this morning to find an email telling me you had written a blog post and I was so happy to see that you had returned; I have found myself missing your humor and your insight. Then, I started reading and my heart started breaking; not because I feel sorry for you but because I feel for you. I know that our connection through this blogging world has been brief, but your bravery and strength and, of course, brilliant humor, have brought something incredible into my life. I feel in awe of your courage in sharing your feelings and your struggles so openly. You have nothing to be sorry about; you are living your truth every day in the best ways you can; the days will change and the anxiety will quell and you will continue to be the incredible person you are whether the days are bathed in light or in darkness. You are a totally fucking amazing person and I am grateful for your strength and your writing and for you.

    • the incurable dreamer

      DAMMIT…you keep getting sent to spam, but thankfully I found your incredible comment! Girl, you know that I love you, but you have made me love you even more today. THANK YOU! To know that my words mean something to you is all that I need. It’s literally, everything. I hesitated before I hit publish yesterday because I knew that this post was raw and perhaps too much for some people to handle. But, there is no point if I am going to try to be anything here other than my true self. So, thank you for embracing who I am and for being a part of this journey with me. I admire you immensely, you know that, but I am also inspired by you because you know ‘darkness’ in a way that most of us don’t and never will, but yet, you still move forward with grace, humour and dignity. So, it is I who is in awe. It is people like you who give me the courage to be vulnerable and nothing less than myself, so thank you. I adore you, love you, and appreciate you so very, very much. xoxo

      • Right back at you Gorgeous Lady! I adore, love and appreciate you, and I am so glad we are in each other’s lives. Sometimes the world actually works right. I am going on a search for the goats today and if I find them, you will be the first to know. xoxo

        • the incurable dreamer

          I love what you said…sometimes the world does actually work right…it most certainly does. Good luck finding the goats today!! I am rooting for you! ? xo

  9. Tina

    My beautiful friend, never be sorry for what you say. Everyone suffers but few rarely say it out loud. Cudos to you for being vocal. If ever you need a hug or just to vent, remember Todd and I are just next door. And the pub is real close 🙂 I hope you never stop writing…… Hugs and love to you.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Aww, Tina, you warm my heart. Thank you so much. I appreciate your offer to hug or vent, and I assure you I am going to take you up on that offer. A hike up to the pub soon sounds like a fabulous plan, and that would also make me very happy! Thanks for reading and commenting, Tina, it means a whole lot. I promise I won’t stop writing. Lots of love to you and Todd! xo

  10. One of the most beautiful, honest and inspiring posts I’ve read in months and you start it with an apology! That’s why you’re such a wonderful person in every way, Tanya. I have struggled with anxiety to the point that I was literally paralyzed for weeks at a stretch, so I would have understood what you were trying to say even if you didn’t express it so clearly and eloquently. Here’s some optimism, though: it’s been quite some time — maybe even a couple of years — since it’s shown itself in its full-on debilitating form. I don’t have anything concrete to suggest because each of us is very different in what will be most effective for our particular mindsets, personalities, and personal histories. Meditation has obviously been a key practice for me, though I usually talk about it in a spiritual or philosophical context — however, before it gave me any of that kind of insight, it first had to calm my mind to the point where I could receive those messages. And that calmness, little by little, starts to linger longer and longer after I get up from the half-lotus position. I still have anxiety. Lately, it’s situational, but futile…because the situations at the moment that bring it to the surface are more global than personal. That’s just the plight of all of us who give a shit. But what you are struggling with — successfully, I might add, though it might not feel that way to you — is its own entity. And you’ll kick its ass in the end. You are stronger than you feel, Tanya; and vulnerability is a part of that strength. Thank you so much for sharing such a difficult thing with so much wit and brilliance.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Paul. Where do I begin? You know how I feel about you, how much I admire you and respect your genius, so you have to understand how profoundly your words affect me. They are lasting, all of them. Thank you. And thank you for sharing your struggles with me. To know that anxiety took hold of you as it did, breaks my heart, but to see where you are now, makes me so goddamn happy. Once you have it, I don’t believe it ever goes away, or maybe just for some it doesn’t…I don’t know. But I am pretty sure it will never leave me. So the key is to get in front of her, to do the things I know will keep her at bay. For me, running or biking helps. I managed to lace up my runners and hit the pavement a few times in the last week, and it has helped. But I need to do more work. Meditation is something I have thought often about, so maybe it is the time to give it a chance, As you know, there are many things I am trying to process and understand, so perhaps the key is to try and clear my mind and come at it from a different angle. If it works for you, then that is the only endorsement I need. I will let you know how it goes. Thank you for reminding me that there is strength in being vulnerable. That is something I need to remember. Thanks for being my friend, Paul. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but whatever it was, I am really fucking glad I did it!

  11. jono51

    Keep breathing. The nasty bitch shows up at the most inconvenient times and then she fades a bit if I keep breathing. No apologies necessary, either. If I had the cajones to vent this well I would probably be healthier. Thanks for showing me how it’s done in a good way.

    • the incurable dreamer

      She sure does have a habit of showing up uninvited and at the most inappropriate times. But like you, if I keep breathing, she goes away. You keep breathing too, and tell her to just F-off if you need to!! Might not work, but it does feel good!

  12. Sweetest heart, First I want to congratulate you on your first troll; I am so proud! I saw that top comment and the swell of pride that came over me that you are getting big enough to get haters, I am crying with joy. You do so good. There should be a “first troll cake” or a card..gotta work on the card
    Second: You have enough. You are enough. You have have some big life changes lately. It doesn’t matter if they are positive ones, change is change, and where there is change, anxiety will sneak through its door. It is perfectly normal healthy reaction. You are normal, we all hear you, we have all been there, and you are enough.
    Third: Thank you for posting this week. It is truly the highlight of my day reading your words
    https://damngirlgetyourshittogether.com/

    • Dammit, now I want a troll! Can I hire a troll? ?

    • the incurable dreamer

      First: Dude, no shit. When I saw the comment last night, I totally thought of you and almost sent you a message to tell you about it! I am a little proud, not gonna lie. I won’t hold you to the cake, but because I like to share, I want you to know that I LOVE red velvet cake. Like, a whole fucking lot! So, in the event someone ever sends me a congratulatory ‘First Troll’ cake, that is totally what I would want. You know, if someone ever did that.

      Second: Thank you for these words, Tiara. Thank you so much. You don’t just exist here in the blogosphere with me, you have taken up space in my heart and wear the title of treasured friend. Our chats have helped me more than you know and I can’t thank you enough for the support you offer me here, but also in my life. You, my dear, are one of my heroes and your courage and strength inspires me daily. Thank you.

      Third: You being here is the highlight of my day. Love you, girl.

  13. Di

    Hello beautiful,
    I had to read your post more than once because there is just so much to take in. I love the fact you have associated anxiety as meeting an old friend and writing about it so…
    She is a very unwelcome friend but you are accepting her part in your life like a superstar Tanya. To arrive at the end of this cathartic piece of writing that you just had to write and share, to still say your life is wonderful and you wouldn’t change a thing…shows what amazing things you are made of.
    Please be kind and gentle on yourself like you would to me if I wrote this…
    YOU ARE WORTHY of that my dear friend…
    Wishing you well and sending love and hugs. (Ps. I noticed you’d been ‘quiet’ of late)
    ???

    • the incurable dreamer

      Hi, Di,
      As always, your heart shines through your words, and I feel incredibly blessed by each one. Thank you so much. Anxiety feels like an old friend because it has been a part of me for so long. Luckily she comes and goes now, but I know she will always be lurking somewhere, waiting. It helps, though, to know it’s okay for me to talk openly about my struggles and that I have support all around. The old me would have been too ashamed, but there is no shame to be had. That is what I have learned. I suffered in silence for too long, and I know many others do as well, so by sharing this post, I hope it gives them the courage they need to reach out to someone and get the support they need. You are a beautiful soul Di, and you being here is something I never take for granted, Thank you for being here. And thank you for being you. Lots of love, my friend. Hope London is treating you well!! xo

      • Di

        Hello again my friend,
        There certainly is healing in sharing. It’s been proven time and time again. May this unleashing of the presence of your ‘companion’ allow her hold on you to be less intense.
        You will have spoken for many of us and suffering in silence is no longer an option.
        Thank you thank you for your beautiful words too. I’m not going anywhere…
        Yes, London is going well too, thank you for remembering my dear friend. I think of you and your call to NY as I walk around here with a smile on my face looking up.
        Take care and until soon,
        Love and hugs from me ??

  14. Anxiety sucks. You’re right; she’s totally an asshole. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with her and I’m glad to hear she’s fading.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks, darling, I appreciate your words very much. She sure is an asshole, but it is comforting to know that I am not in this alone. None of us are!

  15. ARGH I hate it that your posts don’t show up in my reader. I forget to pop here one day and this is what I see. I know I am the newbie follower and blogger here, but I have to tell you that you are perfectly normal feeling what you do. NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. The hardest thing to do when dancing with lady anxiety is to lead. She feeds off the type of energy that we are being bombarded with on a daily basis from all angles. The incredible honking lady you described is just one of those angles. For you to get on here and tell us all about it the way you did shows that you truly do have an inner strength so many others only wish the did. See it, seize it, and hold on to that strength as you slowly and methodically take the lead again for another dance. And to anyone that is to shallow, selfish, or stupid to understand and support you…well I say “Nuke ’em if they can’t take a fuck!!!”

    • the incurable dreamer

      WordPress hates me!! I don’t know what I ever did to it, but it better have been good. You may be the newbie follower here, but you fit right in, and I can’t tell you enough how much I love the way you think and appreciate the support and encouragement you have given me. I am SO glad you are here! Sometimes it is difficult to recognize your own strength, especially when you are feeling vulnerable and messy, so to know that you saw it in my words and told me so, means everything. Thank you for the reminder and the validation that what I said means something, and that I needn’t alter my words for anyone. My truth is my power. So to those who don’t appreciate it, well, they can just go suck rocks….I ain’t changing for anybody!! Thanks, so much, B. You have made me very happy!

  16. Shara

    Love this blog! Anxiety is a beast! I don’t know many that haven’t fought it. It took me down pretty hard last year. I think I’ve always had it but never acknowledged it. Something happened that knocked me down and I didn’t get up again for 7 months! Now it’s a struggle everyday but I have such great support! I’m so glad you are breathing and moving forward. I am taking those steps with you. Loves ya!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Is this my beautiful dear, Shara, who I utterly adore to bits? It makes me sad to know that you are suffering as well, and if this IS my one and only, I know the event you speak of, and, I am not surprised. You are such a light – any room you step in, instantly gets brighter the moment you do. That’s who you are. That’s why I love you. So, to know that you have support around you to help on the days when it feels kinda heavy, makes sense, because you are so loved, and it is what you deserve. We are gonna kick this bitch’s ass together, and we are both going to be ok. I loves the absolute dickens out of you, and miss you like crazy. MUAH!

      • Shara Haggett

        I love and miss you too my girl! Someday we will get together again. MUAH right back at you!

  17. CarrieAnne

    This is so true! Anxiety is like that toxic friend who always says passive aggressive things to you, making you constantly second-guess and undermining your confidence. I think everyone had experienced this at least once or twice. But when it becomes chronic, man, that can really mess up your life for a while. Keep telling her she’s not welcome and you’ve got too much living to do to care what she has to say about it. Love getting your notifications, Tanya. I am always excited to see what you’ve written and it always speaks to me. Courage!

    • the incurable dreamer

      CarrieAnne, THANK YOU! It thrills me to no end knowing that you enjoy my posts so much and that they strike a chord with you. That’s my goal, so to know that what I am writing means something to someone, well, it’s everything. Honestly, thank you!! The way you described anxiety is perfect. She does make me second-guess myself and undermines my confidence all the time. When I text someone, I will be stricken with panic after sending it, thinking that they are going to be so annoyed by me because I dared to text them. That’s just stupid! My friends and I love each other, none of us think any of those things. It is such a battle. I am turning a corner, though, and talking about it here has helped me so much. I hope that it has helped others as well. I am going to remember your words, CarrieAnne, because I do have too much living to do to care what she has to say about it. Thanks for everything!

  18. Tanya, you’re freaking me out with this post! I’m seriously worried about you…breathing is good! Feel rather inadequate and way too far away to feel of any help…warmest thoughts to you. hugs. xx

    • the incurable dreamer

      Annika, you are the sweetest. I promise, you don’t need to be freaked out, at all. Anxiety and I are good friends, and my hope that was by talking about it, it would help me, and it did! Wonderful people like you, offered support and encouragement and it has made me realize that I don’t need to go at this alone. The sun is shining brightly today, and she is nowhere to be seen!! You being here is absolutely all I need! Hugs to you! x

      • Bless you, Tanya! The sun is shining here too, a beautiful Autumn day…glad she is banished…for now at least. Please take heart from us good folk! ❤️

  19. I think some of it is the ripple effect of a world gone mad. I feel that too, a flutter of anxiety, a subterranean stream of stress, invisible but there, nonetheless. And it’s hard to let the joy in when so many are suffering – that’s my problem, anyway. Then I tell myself that the world needs joy too, we all need reminders that goodness and smiles and love is real, because that is ultimately what will save us. You are adorable and your open heart is beautiful, Tanya. Put that old friend in a lidded mayonnaise jar outside your door. You can add a little glitter and lavender if you feel bad about kicking her out. 😀 Sending you much light and love. <3

    • the incurable dreamer

      Your comment, Diana, warmed my heart and also made me laugh out loud. It was a perfect response. Thank you so much for always knowing the right thing to say, and for your kindness and support, it means everything. I am going to take your advice and shove her inside a pickle jar and bedazzle the hell out of it before setting it outside with the birds! Your heart knows no bounds, Diana, thank you for sharing it with me. Love and hugs to you!

  20. Hi Tanya, firstly you have absolutely nothing to apologise for. If anything I’m sorry that the first comment you got on this very honest and raw post was such an unfeeling one. So many people struggle to articulate their battles and to you I just want to say, how brave, how determined and how very real I think you are. Don’t ever say sorry for being you. You have so much to offer the world lovely lady. Keep smiling, keep breathing and believe that you will be okay, because you will. Sending you lots of love, hugs and calming thoughts. xo ?

    • the incurable dreamer

      Hi Miriam! As always, your presence here has brought light to my day and a smile to my face. I promise no more apologies because as you say, I know I don’t have to apologize for being me. I am going to keep on smiling and breathing and I have no doubt that everything is going to be okay. Thank you so much, Miriam, you are such a beautiful soul and I adore you endlessly. Lots of love and hugs to you! xo

      • I adore you too Tanya and I can feel how strong you are underneath all the layers. We’re all so complex aren’t we, and I just love the fact that you’re so open and honest. Keep being kind and true to yourself. Lots of love and hugs to you my dear friend xo ?

  21. Yes, I know her too…Anxiety. Bitch!
    I’m totally on board with what you’ve said so let’s talk about our demons and nightmares….Maybe we can get to understand them better and fight them more successfully.

    • the incurable dreamer

      I am so sorry to hear you are familiar with this bitch as well! But like you said, the only way to conquer our demons and nightmares is to be open and talk about them. How are we supposed to fight if we don’t know how, and just keep it all to ourselves? So yes, let’s talk and figure this shit out so we can slay some demons!

      • You’re damn right. You know what I figured?This is like a group therapy. Most of the people I’m in contact with here are screwed in some way, myself including, and sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers, that is people who don’t really know you. It means they’re more objective and if you ask me more understanding and sympathetic. Eventually, we make friends with lots of them. And even if we don’t, this is a very eye-opening experience. You know what I mean?

        • the incurable dreamer

          I totally know what you mean. The friendships that I have formed since beginning this blog are lasting ones. Everyone is supportive and encouraging, and it is a beautiful place to be because we are all learning from each other. It’s a gift. Here we are entirely free to be our authentic selves, and it feels pretty damn good. I have been so busy I haven’t had a chance to read your blog, but I plan to sit down and find out more about you, and I am looking forward to it!

  22. If I accomplish nothing else in this lifetime, it will be to convince you to stop saying ‘I’m sorry’!!! I know, I know, it’s a Canadian thing (not true, it’s a ‘woman’ thing), but you know what I’m going to say…please don’t apologize unless you were an asshole!!

    Ok, you know i do this too, but trying to make a point here.

    YOU NEVER NEED TO BE SORRY FOR FUCKING FEELING WHAT YOU FEEL!!!

    This asshole, your ‘friend’ basically rules my life, and to boot, he has two fucking sidekicks that keep me ricocheting between the 3 like a goddam Pinball ball. It’s debilitating at best, paralyzing at worst.

    You, with him, are Audrey Hepburn. You handle him with grace, humor and courage. (I call him a ‘him’ because he isn’t worthy of our gender).

    But you know what your most powerful weapon against him is….your writing. You have a gift. It is blatantly obvious by the reaction and comments from so many. Your writing reaches out and grabs people’s hearts, commanding them to listen, empathize and relate.

    So take that, you effing asshole!! YOU WILL GO DOWN! 🙂

    • the incurable dreamer

      Yes, I know the rule, Brooke, no apologies unless I was an asshole. I KNOW! There is one person on this earth who I do believe can help me stop saying sorry, and that person is you. So, I am going to accept this as a challenge and work towards eliminating it from my vocabulary unless it is genuinely warranted. Which means that I will be saying it only after displaying some ‘whoopsie’ assholery, which god forbid, won’t be very often. Game on!

      This ‘friend’ came into both our lives uninvited, and his/her presence has seemed inescapable and terrifying at times, but here we both are, still standing, wobbly at times, but standing. I am so proud of both of us. They say that you are the reflection of those around you, and if that is the case, then I hope one day to be as courageous as you are. And as strong. I know I am both of those things, I do, but this post and my honesty wouldn’t have happened without you. You are an extraordinary example of a human being, and I marvel at your relentless drive to overcome. I am like a sponge around you, always trying to soak up as much wisdom, confidence, and strength I possibly can. So, to you, I say this. For those things, and also your encouragement, support, humour, and friendship, thank you. Thank you for all of it.

      Champagne all around the day we are both standing, wobble-free and no ‘friend’ in sight.

      • Ok so apparently you two have not heeded my post about the wonders of you. I see I will have to take sterner measures with you both on this.

        So you best be prepared for tongue lashings every time I come upon either of you apologizing for anything other than being unsolicited assholes. You ARE allowed to be an asshole to someone who forces you to be one based upon their words or actions. I am sorry it must be this way, but you have left me no choice. Now please rock on for me!!! ?

  23. Tanya…..hugs. GREAT big….squishy….hugs.

  24. Anonymous

    Tanya. Friendship is not a job, therefore there is no time clock. Phones work 24/7 (providing one pays their bill). Reach out when you need to….with no apologies. Friends will understand.

  25. You don’t apologize! Let me apologize. Apologize for just now reading this post. I may have what one would call a credible excuse, I was out on the trail with no interwebs (but lots of real webs). However, I’ve been back a few weeks and have just not been able to get my shit together. You know why? Because a friend that is probably an acquaintance of your friend. Only I call mine the BIG D. Now that my adventure is over, that friend is come at me in full force. So I am right there with you. I’m guessing now that your NYC adventure is over you are getting the same thing. Why can’t it just leave us alone? I doubt I’ll ever get the answer to that question, but you know what? Knowing that a friend like you, Tanya, understands how it is, makes me feel less alone. You are so not alone! Hell there is 80 plus comments up above that I haven’t read yet (except for that one jizz waffle who’s life is obviously perfect), so take comfort in that if you can. This is going to be tough ride this time. Sounds like it might be for you too. Let’s ride it out together, OK?

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ari, don’t you dare apologize either! You were out on the trail, and I see that you also have a blog post about it. So, after I respond to your incredible message, I am going to hop on over there to read it! How amazing that you had no interwebs! We all need a little less of that from time to time. It makes me so sad to know that the Big D has shown up upon your arrival home. What the hell is with these two assholes? Dropping in right after we have spent time taking care of ourselves, and are feeling good, they fucking show up uninvited. Ugh. I don’t have the answer to why they just can’t leave us alone; it is our cross to bear for reasons I will never understand. But what I do know is this, I have a profound appreciation for my ability to dig myself out of the trenches. That is no easy task. So I always remember to applaud myself when I am once again standing, breathing and seeing nothing but beauty before me. I fucking do that, Ari. I get myself to that place because I refuse to give up, and I know that you do that as well. Together, refusing to back down is how we are going to defeat these two assholes this time. I understand so well, and it would be my honour to fight with you. I am here. I am with you. And Ari, thank you for making me laugh out loud…you know how much I appreciate your ‘jizz waffle’ reference. Fuck that is so funny, and in this case, very appropriate! So glad you are back! Lots of love to you. xo

      • Glad my jizz can make you laugh. Whoa, that sounded kind of bad. (Which is probably the reason I said it in the first place.) 🙂

  26. Damn, did my previous comment go into your spam folder? If you don’t see it, let me know because I certainly had something to say to you my friend.

    • the incurable dreamer

      ARI!! You are back! Just running out the door to work, but don’t worry, I will save you from spam, which is where everyone is sent. Ugh! Respond to you later, but know that it is so good to see your name pop up!! ? have a good day!

  27. Anxiety is a real son of a bitch. I have tried to pretend its not real and I have let myself play the victim of it neither of those do any good. This post is beautiful and everything I can imagine myself feeling. I have learned as well to ride the anxious waves and turn it into something creative. Although I don’t know you, I am super happy you have found to do the same!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Anxiety is so hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It’s like living in a confined hell. I am sorry to hear that you are friends with this asshole as well, but it makes me happy to know that you are doing something creative with it as well. That’s really the only way to deal with it, face it and turn it into something positive! Going to check out your blog now! Thanks so much for reading and commenting, I appreciate the hell out of you for it! 🙂

  28. Isn’t that something? She was struggling, too. You both, face to face, fighting your own demons.
    BREATHE! You know the Law of Attraction. We attract what we pursue (though we may think we’re fleeing it). Change your thoughts, change your life.

    • the incurable dreamer

      ‘Change your thoughts, change your life.’ I love this, Diana, thank you so much!! Yes, crazy that we were both struggling, made me feel better knowing that I was not alone, and that together we would get through. And, thankfully, we have. Hope you are enjoying a wonderful Saturday! xo

  29. I’m so mad I’m so late to seeing this amazing post… I’m sorry for being late. Hugs and warm wishes to you, friend. I hope you’re doing better now (three weeks later, my god). Thank you for your words and your skill.

    Also, a big “fuck off” to that dude who self-pitied all over your important post about mental health.

    Love to you.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Well, I am just so happy you found my post and that you left this beautiful comment!! Thank you so very much! I am feeling so much better and am feeling a little lighter these days. How could I not with all this love and support?! You have made my day!
      Seriously, I don’t know what got up Walt’s ass, but he definitely can go fuck off and play in another sandbox if he doesn’t like this one.
      Lots and lots of love to you. Thank you, again!!! xo

      • I’m happy to hear it! <3 I'm glad the community was able to help bolster your spirits. xx

  30. The unexpected is always hiding around the corner and when it comes is when we let go of everything inside (like the other driver who yelled at you) and we tell ourselves that we have to appreciate the simple things in life more, and then we don’t do it.

    I think you need your NY attitude to start fighting for control again. I’m not lecturing because I fall into the trap often enough, but then I try to recover myself and starting fighting to make myself strong again.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thanks very much. I appreciate the encouragement and advice. My anxiety is a monster but I always find a way to overcome it, and I never forget to appreciate the small things. There is beauty everywhere, you just have to remember to look around with your eyes wide open.

  31. I am waaaaayyyyy late here, but by now, I hope you’ve discovered that timing is not my strong suit.

    I also thought about not leaving a comment. After all, we’re both so familiar with our involuntary companions (your “friend” ANXIETY and my Eddie). I know you’re a fighter, and an inspirer, and most importantly, a friend (even though we haven’t met in the real world).

    I’ve also seen the outpouring of support here from some fellow bloggers and realize that so much of the good stuff has already been said.

    But still… dang woman. You make me feel sooo much better about my tomorrow, your tomorrow… our tomorrow.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Gabe, you just made me feel so unbelievably good. Thank you for leaving me a comment, it made me light up inside Just seeing your name always brightens my day. Yes, you and I both know our friends well – the assholes that they are. It comforts me though to know, though, that we have each other to lean on and are in this fight together. We will overcome and be okay. You have a heart of gold, Gabe, and your happiness and well-being matter so much, because you being here means everything.

  32. No apologies necessary. The space you take in this world is deservedly yours. Hope your friend is hibernating for winter.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Thank you, I very much appreciate your words. And yes, she has gone into hibernation, thankfully. 🙂

okay, get it off your chest!

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: