So, 2017 was a mixed bag for me. Appropriately, I spent the last month of it hiding away in the shadows. My situation was dire. I mean, when I cried ordering a coffee from my barista at 5 am for the third day in a row, I acknowledged that there was considerable room for improvement in ‘dealing’ and that a ban was forthcoming if I didn’t stop making coffee super weird. Yeah, I have been a bit of an undisciplined dumpster fire of emotions lately. And the lit celebration this holiday season only seemed to amplify the palpable ache in my heart – one unyielding even to the strongest of wills – and it sunk me to familiar depths and rendered me defenseless to unrelenting despair.
When I reflect on everything that has happened this past year and attempt to make sense of it all, some of it doesn’t seem real, seems like a lifetime ago, or like it happened to someone else. But it happened. All of it. To me.
But today, as I inhale the breath of a brand new year, I understand the meaning of it all. Sunk deep in the dark were teaching moments and lessons that I needed to learn – and learn them I did. Each time I stepped out from the shadows my world was ablaze with light so extraordinary it forever changed me.
So, for absolutely all of it, I am infinitely grateful.
The first half of the year was torture, and my resolve was put to the test. My body broke down and with it, my spirit. The pain of the heart is the most ruthless kind, but the pain I endured throughout my body, challenged that which occupied my heart. Somehow I found a way and refused to let it take me down. I don’t know how, but I did.
More people saw my vagina this year than I can count, and out of it, I didn’t even get one phone number or a single date. The silver lining though is that when I went to the doctor on Friday to discuss the stress rash that is mercilessly gnawing away at the flesh on my arms and legs and that has virtually left me un-shaggable, he asked me if I wanted a gown, and I was like, HELL NO, and just whipped down my pants and threw my leg in his face for him to examine. I am unquestionably more comfortable in my skin than I was 12 months ago. That’s a totally cool thing, right? For those of you who might be new here and are wondering how you unknowingly started following the blog of a whore, at ease, I had a hysterectomy, that’s all. If you ever have one of those, get used to eyeballs all up in your biz.
My friend anxiety stopped by uninvited several times this year, in fact, she is here now, but I have learned that to rid myself of her I have to trust my gut and listen to my heart. The only expectations I need to meet are my own. An incredibly difficult thing to learn, but I believe that I have.
The streets of my beloved New York City captivated my imagination and soul and helped me find my way back to what was lost.
Throughout my pet sitting adventures this past year, I discovered paradise, tranquillity, unconditional love, where I would never want to live, and that I am fucking terrified of the dark. Oh, and that I have a really bad habit of opening the door to strangers because I am a complete idiot who will never learn until I actually have to reactively grab the cats by their tails and make a run for the hills while the unappreciative little assholes sink their claws through 3 layers of my skin because they have no idea that a hatchet-wielding maniac is chasing us because he wants to cut off all of our ears and that I am merely just trying to save their lives and mine BECAUSE I OPENED THE GODDAMN DOOR. Sigh. I am a hands-on learner, apparently.
I ate Brussels sprouts this year willingly, not once but twice, and may have even liked them. I am still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.
Humour led me to the entertaining world of Damn Girl Get Your Shit Together. There I was blessed with the unexpected gift of friendship. Her wit, dedication, and passion for succeeding and helping so many along the way have inspired me to keep reaching for the stars. For your belief in me, my very own button, always making me laugh, your trust, and the gift of your friendship, Tiara, thank you. damngirlgetyourshittogether.com
My path blessedly crossed in real life with the one and only desert curmudgeon, whose intelligence, heart, and perspective always leaves me speechless and in awe. To meet the man behind the genius was indeed an honour. For your support, that incredibly beautiful brain of yours, always encouraging me, inspiring me to write, your incredible kindness, and treasured friendship, Paul, thank you. spookyactionatadistance.blog
The universe introduced me to the power of magic and the beauty of connection. My soul was touched by a gypsy who has become a friend for the ages. She has taught me that the things I tell myself matter and that under no circumstance should I ever tend to my heart and soul with anything less than kindness. Her strength and courage to keep fighting and move forward have inspired me and countless others. She has instilled in me a whole new belief and dialogue and reminded me that I have the wings I need to not only fly but soar. For losing your phone that one time, your honesty, humour, constant understanding, support, the light that you bring to my life, and for allowing me to be a part of your world as your friend, Brooke, thank you. summoningmagic.com
When I began this blog, just over a year ago, I was naïve. My thoughts were that this space would help me to become a better writer and that maybe a few people would read the things I write. But as it turns out, this blog was the key to the magic kingdom, and it has profoundly changed my life. Here I have found a community rife with like-minded people, bloggers who wear their hearts on their sleeves and who support each other through thick and thin without question. For being here and lifting me even though I have been absent from you, from the bottom of my heart, you guys, thank you. Thank you so very much. Each of you has given me strength when I have needed it and inspired me to keep writing the words that I write and to be nothing less than my authentic-self. You have no idea what it means to me, or maybe you do. I hope that you do.
To all of you who dare to visit me here and who take the time to comment and support me, thank you just doesn’t seem like nearly enough. My dream is to be a writer. Well, what you all remind me is that I already am and that my words mean something; that in turn means the world to me. When I feel alone, you remind me that I’m not. When I want to give up, you refuse to let me. And when I wonder if there is something wrong with me, you remind me that there is so much beauty to be found in broken. From the deepest depths of my soul – to all of you – thank you.
My wish for all of you this year is health, happiness, and blah blah blah, yeah, I wish you all of those things.
But what I really wish is that you are okay. That you know your worth. That when everything inside of you is telling you to quit, to give up, and surrender to what seems impossible, you find the strength to keep fighting, and that you remember all of the things worth fighting for. That your soul ignites and you feel what it means to be truly alive. That you feel the warmth of the sun. That you remember you are not alone. That you feel loved. That you love with all of your might, and even when it hurts so badly, you find the beauty within that pain, because if you let it, it will change you. And that you feel the kind of happy that makes your heart sing. So very much, I want you to feel all of those things.
With all of my heart, I wish each of you the most extraordinary year of your life.
I might be un-shaggable right now, but I have never felt more hopeful and confident that my fingers will soon touch the stars.
Now, let’s go and make 2018 our bitch, you guys.