the incurable dreamer

my dreams are my disease, chasing them my only option

i am about to die, and this is my blog post

*This blog post was written in real time. I don’t even know if it makes sense. I have also decided I am not responsible for any of its content. I thought I was going to die. OKAY?*

My biggest fear in the world is flying – which is so weird because one of my dreams is to travel and see the world. My fear guarantees that when my dream comes true, I will spend a portion of it shitting my pants – a small price I am willing to pay if it means I will spend eternity reminiscing and celebrating instead of regretting.

Right now I am on a plane, and I think I am about to die. We are ascending, and I almost passed out twice already, due to the G-force I am experiencing.  The pilot decided it would be best to head straight for the moon, instead of Calgary, like, right fucking now. (Dearest Pilot – HAVE YOU NO SOUL?) I have flown many times, but this ascent is unlike any I have ever experienced. So, I am documenting my final moments.

‘We’re going down. WE’RE GOING DOWN!’  I mean, how long can the plane sustain shooting straight up like a rocket? Eventually, we are going to lose thrust and plummet tits first back down to earth. Right? Everyone looks calm, but I suspect they are as paralyzed with fear as I am. But honestly, how can that woman keep reading her newspaper? ‘LADY, we are about to die!’ 

Ohhhh shit, what are Dink and Dink’s wife going to find in my drawers or ON MY COMPUTER? Okay, now I am totally freaking out. I mean, will they find things that leave them scratching their heads and wondering if they ever really knew me. I have my laptop with me, and it will get smashed to smithereens – but my PC. ‘Dammit, Tanya. WHYYYYY?’

We just broke through the clouds and are once again horizontal. Thank, Christ.

No matter how scared I am, whenever I see the sun high above the clouds it always calms me. How is it possible that I am alive and am this close to heaven? I can see for miles, and in the distance exist worlds I have yet to explore. This moment is what I do love about flying. I see endless possibilities. 

I wonder what people will say about me when I die, besides the fact I am a total dipshit? I am not partaking in self-deprecation right now – I AM a dipshit and own it, completely. I am confident I said the stupidest thing imaginable in an elevator yesterday, in front of several of my colleagues and some doctors, and, you know, smart people.  Oh man, it was so, so bad. *hanging head in utter shame*

Ok, now I am distracted because the pilot hit the brakes in mid-air. Flaps are up, and miles below me are the mountains. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING? People are looking around. I know my heart failure is valid looking at the reactions on the faces around me. The guy in the seat beside me just looked at me with a look of, ‘Well, it was a good run.’

‘OMG, I LOVE YOU ALL!!’

Ok, flaps are down. Phew. I guess it was important we get as close to the mountains as possible –  as fast as motherfucking possible – no biggie. 

Ok, where was I? Oh right. Several colleagues, I was in an elevator with yesterday, were witness to the depth of my stupidity. THIS is the story they will tell if I die today. Ugh! Why must I always be such a cone head? They all laughed uncontrollably and thanked me for the best laugh ever. I, of course, said, ‘You’re welcome’ then walked away berating myself for my ridiculous lack of intelligence. I won’t tell you what I said; I will save that for the memorial. So, pleeease remember things other than my stupidity. Try and remember that I like puppies, toilet paper sales and lots and lots of ice in my water. I AM SMART SOMETIMES YOU KNOW!

The goddamn flaps are up again, and I can barely hold my phone to type this from excessive hand sweat. Gross. Please pray for us!!!

Anyway – I am trying to focus on writing this rather than my imminent death – who knows what people will say about me. I am confident my stupidity won’t be the only story told or shared amongst my friends and family when they gather to celebrate my life. I take comfort in knowing I did some things right while I was here. I hope I get a chance to do more. ‘COME ON PILOT!!’

The flaps are down again, and we are no longer careening straight for the Rockies. I am hanging on to any shred of hope right now! Honestly, this pilot must have won an online contest titled ‘Be a Pilot for a day and scare the ever-loving fuck out of people…BAHAHAHA.‘ My luck in a nutshell. 

You guys are probably thinking I am making this up. I AM NOT! The two 80-year-old women in front of me are both frantically looking out the window also. I imagine they too are thinking about their lives and are wondering who will feed their cats. Cats matter you guys!

I can see Calgary. HOLY SHIT…I SEE CALGARY!!!

I am almost there. I might live!

We are now gliding effortlessly, so naturally, my concern is that we are going to stall. It is from one extreme to another on this flight today. I actually think this might be a human experiment – one I am failing miserably. 

We are about to land. If this is where it ends – well – it has been a most splendid slice.

WE LANDED IN ONE PIECE! Thank you sweet baby Jesus!!

I AM ALIVE!

The sun is shining, and I am now sitting on the tarmac in sunny Calgary, Alberta, waiting my turn to get off this plane.

The events of the last hour and nine minutes were a small price to pay because soon I will be with my family. 

And, I am home.

But first things first…where is the bar? I NEED A GODDAMN DRINK!

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23 Comments

  1. Mick

    F’in awesome as always luvy x

  2. cathy blahout

    Tanya you are an amazing writer……love, love, love reading your blog. You have a talent that is undeniable. Totally can relate to your recent blog…not a fan at all of taking off or landing! Just wondering…..did you find out why the flaps went up twice????….I would have had my life jacket and oxygen mask on pronto lol…..love ya Tan….keep up the awesome writing xo

    • the incurable dreamer

      Cathy, thank you so much for reading my blog, and for this incredibly kind and supportive comment! It really means a lot and makes me want to keep writing! I didn’t ask, I was scared to know the answer! In all the flights I have ever been on, THAT has never happened!! It was so weird!! I am so glad I am on solid ground again! Love ya right back! xo

  3. Dink

    Dink and Dink’s wife (well she can speak for herself) think you are the most amazing, fantastic, irrational, loonie-tune, caring, bowel movement obsessed, smart, dipshit ever. Love ya, ya freak. And btw, we’ve already been through your drawers and pc. Damn girl! ???????????⛓?

    • the incurable dreamer

      HAHAHA! You do know me well, there is no question about that! Thanks, Dink. I love that you guys love me because you are totally stuck with me. You’re welcome. I love you guys!! xo

  4. Dink's Wife

    Holy effery I haven’t laughed at a blog of yours this hard yet. I can barely see what I’m typing through my teary eyes!! Hilarious. I love the ever loving shit out of you, mfa!! Keep writing! (PS: Don’t worry, I saved your night table drawer for last! ??????)

    • the incurable dreamer

      HA! Thanks for reading it, and for laughing! Oh, and thanks for saving my night table drawer for last. You are going to find some good stuff in there…I think you might find hot sauce because you yelled at me for leaving my groceries beside my bed! LOL. You know I love the ever-loving shit out of you too, mfa! xoxoxo

  5. Elaine Baumann

    OK Dipshit laughed my ass off Glad you made it So sorry I couldn’t met you for lunch but hope to see you soon Love you glad you made it MB

    • the incurable dreamer

      I too am sorry I missed you today, Elaine. But, hopefully in the next few days we can squeeze in a quick visit and hug! Love you!

  6. Becci

    Fantastic! Only you have these amazing adventures and the ability to document it so well! You crack me up! X

    • the incurable dreamer

      Ha! Thanks, Bec! I am like a magnet for the bizarre for some reason!

  7. Caron

    OMG Hilarious!!!

  8. first…ARRRGGGG I missed ur latest post in my feed. So my amazing awesome awkward and succinct words will taste stale. But here they are anyway…

    yum. UR words taste great. Keep flying.

    • the incurable dreamer

      NEVER stale – thanks for the encouragement – I very much appreciate it!!! I am hitting the skies later today. *gulp*

      Oddly, I missed your recent post as well and didn’t notice it until yesterday. For some reason I didn’t get an email you posted it. *insert angry face* Thankfully, I found it!

  9. Di

    Glad you made it safely! And a fun real time post, now we know you did!
    And please…. the elevator conversation…. you can’t do that to me….???
    More lovely writing from you Tanya ??

    • the incurable dreamer

      HAHA! You aren’t the first person to say that to me. I just can’t. It was one of the stupidest moments of my life. Maybe one of these days I will get the courage to blog about it and tell the story. My colleague and I talk on the phone all the time and laugh our heads off about it every time. What a dip stick I was! 🙂
      And thank you so much! Glad you enjoy my writing!

  10. Di

    Hello again Tanya! Really? No one else asked about the story? I’m not sure what that says about me!!
    I have a life full of moments where I can hear my mother’s words…’oh you’re so vague…’ during my ‘dipstick’ moments. And you know what? Now I can finally laugh at myself… as the title of your blog caught my eye for a good reason, I’m always in another world.
    And yes… I enjoy your writing very much ???(ps… you can keep your story a secret. I understand?)

  11. Once again, laughing out loud and my stomach is in knots!!! I have traveled all over the world, and I still find myself clutching on to the poor stranger’s arm next to me at the slightest indication that something could send us in a tailspin!

    I love that you were actually able to write this while completely freaking out!! Bless you…a woman truly dedicated to her craft!!!

    Big hug to you!

    • the incurable dreamer

      Oh Brooke, if you had been on that plane you definitely would have been clinging to the person seated beside you. Honestly, it was as like we were being punked by a real sadistic son of a bitch! WHO PUTS THE FLAPS UP 37,000 FEET IN THE AIR??? *deep breaths*

      Anyway, I am so happy my post made you laugh. If I hadn’t written about it, in real time, I believe therapy would have been necessary to overcome the horror. Thank goodness writing is an outlet for me through the good, bad and holy-shit-I-am-going-to-die times! HA!
      Big hug to you! 🙂

  12. Flying is the worst! I regularly check in to see how Elon Musks hyperloop is coming along and if they can just do a route from my house to all the fabulous destinations in the world.

    • the incurable dreamer

      Can you put in a good word for me when you talk to Elon? I totally want in on some hyperloop action because I prefer not shitting myself when travelling. Thanks, Doll!

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