*This blog post was written in real time. I don’t even know if it makes sense. I have also decided I am not responsible for any of its content. I thought I was going to die. OKAY?*
My biggest fear in the world is flying – which is so weird because one of my dreams is to travel and see the world. My fear guarantees that when my dream comes true, I will spend a portion of it shitting my pants – a small price I am willing to pay if it means I will spend eternity reminiscing and celebrating instead of regretting.
Right now I am on a plane, and I think I am about to die. We are ascending, and I almost passed out twice already, due to the G-force I am experiencing. The pilot decided it would be best to head straight for the moon, instead of Calgary, like, right fucking now. (Dearest Pilot – HAVE YOU NO SOUL?) I have flown many times, but this ascent is unlike any I have ever experienced. So, I am documenting my final moments.
‘We’re going down. WE’RE GOING DOWN!’ I mean, how long can the plane sustain shooting straight up like a rocket? Eventually, we are going to lose thrust and plummet tits first back down to earth. Right? Everyone looks calm, but I suspect they are as paralyzed with fear as I am. But honestly, how can that woman keep reading her newspaper? ‘LADY, we are about to die!’
Ohhhh shit, what are Dink and Dink’s wife going to find in my drawers or ON MY COMPUTER? Okay, now I am totally freaking out. I mean, will they find things that leave them scratching their heads and wondering if they ever really knew me. I have my laptop with me, and it will get smashed to smithereens – but my PC. ‘Dammit, Tanya. WHYYYYY?’
We just broke through the clouds and are once again horizontal. Thank, Christ.
No matter how scared I am, whenever I see the sun high above the clouds it always calms me. How is it possible that I am alive and am this close to heaven? I can see for miles, and in the distance exist worlds I have yet to explore. This moment is what I do love about flying. I see endless possibilities.
I wonder what people will say about me when I die, besides the fact I am a total dipshit? I am not partaking in self-deprecation right now – I AM a dipshit and own it, completely. I am confident I said the stupidest thing imaginable in an elevator yesterday, in front of several of my colleagues and some doctors, and, you know, smart people. Oh man, it was so, so bad. *hanging head in utter shame*
Ok, now I am distracted because the pilot hit the brakes in mid-air. Flaps are up, and miles below me are the mountains. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING? People are looking around. I know my heart failure is valid looking at the reactions on the faces around me. The guy in the seat beside me just looked at me with a look of, ‘Well, it was a good run.’
‘OMG, I LOVE YOU ALL!!’
Ok, flaps are down. Phew. I guess it was important we get as close to the mountains as possible – as fast as motherfucking possible – no biggie.
Ok, where was I? Oh right. Several colleagues, I was in an elevator with yesterday, were witness to the depth of my stupidity. THIS is the story they will tell if I die today. Ugh! Why must I always be such a cone head? They all laughed uncontrollably and thanked me for the best laugh ever. I, of course, said, ‘You’re welcome’ then walked away berating myself for my ridiculous lack of intelligence. I won’t tell you what I said; I will save that for the memorial. So, pleeease remember things other than my stupidity. Try and remember that I like puppies, toilet paper sales and lots and lots of ice in my water. I AM SMART SOMETIMES YOU KNOW!
The goddamn flaps are up again, and I can barely hold my phone to type this from excessive hand sweat. Gross. Please pray for us!!!
Anyway – I am trying to focus on writing this rather than my imminent death – who knows what people will say about me. I am confident my stupidity won’t be the only story told or shared amongst my friends and family when they gather to celebrate my life. I take comfort in knowing I did some things right while I was here. I hope I get a chance to do more. ‘COME ON PILOT!!’
The flaps are down again, and we are no longer careening straight for the Rockies. I am hanging on to any shred of hope right now! Honestly, this pilot must have won an online contest titled ‘Be a Pilot for a day and scare the ever-loving fuck out of people…BAHAHAHA.‘ My luck in a nutshell.
You guys are probably thinking I am making this up. I AM NOT! The two 80-year-old women in front of me are both frantically looking out the window also. I imagine they too are thinking about their lives and are wondering who will feed their cats. Cats matter you guys!
I can see Calgary. HOLY SHIT…I SEE CALGARY!!!
I am almost there. I might live!
We are now gliding effortlessly, so naturally, my concern is that we are going to stall. It is from one extreme to another on this flight today. I actually think this might be a human experiment – one I am failing miserably.
We are about to land. If this is where it ends – well – it has been a most splendid slice.
WE LANDED IN ONE PIECE! Thank you sweet baby Jesus!!
I AM ALIVE!
The sun is shining, and I am now sitting on the tarmac in sunny Calgary, Alberta, waiting my turn to get off this plane.
The events of the last hour and nine minutes were a small price to pay because soon I will be with my family.
And, I am home.
But first things first…where is the bar? I NEED A GODDAMN DRINK!